My knuckles turned white as my fingers clenched around the steering wheel of my car. My breath came out in abrupt puffs, my lungs seeming like two barbells behind my rib cage. I peered my head up to look out of my windshield, my vision obscuring momentarily before I shook it off.
I had no notion as to where I was, or how I got here. All I remembered was leaving my flat two days ago with a bottle of whiskey and another with tequila. I remember driving, no known destination, just roaming the roads, pulling over to take a few swigs of alcohol. Then I would fall asleep. I would wake up with a horrific hangover, stare at the ceiling of my car for a while, then sober up. And repeat.
Tonight, for some reason, was different. The sting of the liquor didn't subdue the burning in my heart. If anything, it made it worse. It was then that I realized that drinking didn't solve my problem, it just made me forget the question.
Then came the downward spiral of desolation. I came to terms that I had lost everything, everything that mattered, anyway. I lost Ella, I lost William, I lost the chance to help people, I lost my purpose. And I was alone.
I ran a hand through my hair, wanting to rip it out of my head. My head slammed back against the leather of the seat, eyes falling shut for a moment. I involuntarily began picturing Ella, her imaginative smile flashed behind my eyelids and illusory laugh echoed in my ears. That only made the severity in my heart spread.
I bowed my head back down, inhaling deeply before letting out a silenced sob. My eyes blinked open, glancing beside me to be sure that no one was peeking in my car window.
It wasn't until a bright flash came from the other window nearest to me that I registered that someone was watching me. I hastily covered my face as the blinding flares continued. I shifted the gear to drive, my foot slamming on the gas before screeching off.
"Fucking paps," I muttered underneath my breath, sniffling.
I let out a ragged sigh, brushing away tears so I was able to properly see the road ahead. I drove far enough where I was sure I wasn't followed, and I wouldn't be found. I drew over to the side of the road, letting the engine run. I looked beside me to grab my phone off of the seat.
________________
I wrapped a towel around my body before opening the door of the bathroom to step into my room. I scrounged around my room for another towel to get the moisture out of my matted hair. I eventually retrieved one within the basket of clean laundry that I didn't bother to sort out.
Underneath it revealed Harry's purple Jack Wills sweatshirt that I never returned. I don't think I would want to return it. I don't even think I was physically able to. Not only was I emotionally attached to Harry, but I was emotionally attached his clothes.
I wouldn't be able to give it back anyway, as I, nor anyone else, had any idea where he was. But after what Jill informed me of today, I would've carried out the same actions of unexpectedly disappearing.
I padded over to my bed, plopping down on it. I stared at my phone on the nightstand for a minute, contemplating calling him. He could either pick up, or he wouldn't. There were no other options. I gave into my thoughts and took hold of it. I then noticed that I had a missed call from him, along with a voicemail. My throat instantly became dry, my heart about to fall out of my mouth.
I brought it to my ear, clenching my teeth in an effort to calm myself. There was momentary silence before I discerned irregular draws of breath.
"Hi, Ella," Harry spoke quietly, voice quivering. My stomach was twisting with remorse.
"I knew you probably weren't going to pick up. I was hoping you wouldn't," he chuckled pitifully. "You're most likely not even going to listen to this. But if you do...I just want to tell you that I'm okay, for the most part. I'm doing my best to cope with things, and that's becoming extremely difficult without you but..."
The twisting turned into a constant swirl of guilt.
"Anyway, the real point of this message was to let you know that I still love you. Indefinitely. Completely. You're still the love of my life, even though you won't be in it."
I heard him sniffle faintly, sucking in an uneven breath before letting out an intense sob.
"But Ella, I can't. I can't do this." He began crying as he was speaking, and I felt water brim at my eyes. "I don't see the point anymore. Everything that I cared about is gone, and it's so sudden, and it's all happening at one time, and I can't do it. It's too much. And I'm completely alone. And the weight of it is crushing me."
I suddenly felt indignant for not being able to help him carry that weight, all of it, if needs be. Despite the fact that he potentially undermined our relationship, he didn't deserve to have so many things thrown on top of him all at once. He had been broken down and beaten so many times before, and this was another kick to the heart, except harder.
"Look, I'm not asking you to come find me, or to feel bad for me. I just needed to...to vent. Even though I'm pouring my heart out to your voicemail." He laughed through a cry, a somewhat genuine laugh and I grinned weakly.
"I don't know when I'm coming back, or when I'll see you again. But just know that I'm thinking of you. I'm always thinking of you."
With that, there was dissapointing silence and a click. And the swirling in the pit of my stomach spiraled into a gaping hole, sucking in any anger I had towards him. And it was filled with an almost somatic ache. I needed him back by my side.
- AUTHOR'S NOTE -
ok so this was pretty much a filler chapter but i wanted to update just in case i'm busy this week and i'm not able to okay thanks love you
