The Benefits Project ; phan au

12 ; Broken Altogether

#12

The tension hung in the air like dew dropping off large blades of grass. Slowly, but surely, dropping and splashing onto the soft ground but the splashing was just our breathing. I felt like my mouth had been sewn shut, and I couldn't say a word. My lip trembled and I had to bite it to stop the trembling. The tears emerged, the mind spinned, telling me about how much of a fool I was. How could I have I possibly let him get to me like this? Because I'm a cloud. Because I just.... Run from everything and when I finally confront it, it all goes sideways and bites me so I run again. Sometimes scrambling on my knees, or sometimes sprinting which soon end me on the floor again as the oblivion keeps going. And it is just a fact that I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try. I will not escape Phil Lester, because even if I cut him out of my life, he has been in my life since day one.

"Get out," I whispered.

"What?"

"Get. Out." I said through gritted teeth to block the tears in my voice.

I didn't even have to tell him again, Phil was out of my room like a light. I heard the front door close beneath me and I looked out of the window, just out of curiosity and I saw him with his head in his hands, his shoulders shook slightly. I walked away from the window, even though I swore I heard sobbing or my name out of earshot from outside but I closed the window stubbornly before landing on my bed in a heap, finally letting the silent tears fall. I didn't want Tilly to hear me because she would then later tell mum or dad. Then I would have them on my case too and I couldn't tell my dad about my sexual orientation. I picked up my sketch book which was lying next to me and I threw it at the wall aggressively, the tears streaming as I sniffed.

Fuck everything, fuck it all! My mind screamed.

I sobbed into my duvet, feeling like a failure. I pulled out my phone from my pocket, scrolling through my contacts thinking of Louise's name over and over. I pressed call and lifted my phone shakily to my ear, wiping some salty tears from my eyes, feeling the tear stains press their way into my skin. The beeping went on for a while until I heard Louise's soft voice through the speaker.

"Dan?"

I sniffed in reply.

"Dan what's happened?" She asked quickly before mumbling. "I'm going to murder Phil."

"Louise... I'm sorry, you were right, oh my god I am such a twat," I said, my voice catching.

"What did I tell you? Anyway, Dan I'm coming over, sorry I am going to have to bring Chris because we're going our project," Louise replied frantically before the call ended. 

Great, Chris, Phil's best bud was coming to see me blubbering on a bed. I threw my phone across the room where I watched the screen shatter, my mum was going to murder me for that. I sighed, and grabbed one of my two pillows and wiping my eyes with the pillow case. I was glad whenever I cried my face didn't go blotchy, my eyes did go blood shot but it was less obvious that I had been crying because your eyes can go blood shot through many things. It was a few minutes later where I heard footsteps and the weight of my bed shift so I was propped up slightly as two people sat down on it.  

"Oh Dan, I can't say I didn't warn you but this isn't the time for me to be saying I told you so," Louise muttered. 

I sat up and Louise wrapped her arms around me, almost cradling me as if I were her own child. 

"What did he say to you Dan?"

"Why should I say a fucking thing if Phil's best friend is that right next to you? Won't he just tell Phil and I'll be the school joke?" I spat, using Louise's cardigan to wipe my tears again.