The Benefits Project ; phan au

14 ; Truth Told

#14

His lips were soft against mine. The rhythm reverting through both our bodies as Phil held my neck and I held his back, the gap between our chests closing. To be honest, there was still little doubt in my heart. Did he really mean it? Or was he just playing his game again? I had to admit, Phil was a good liar but I could almost feel his heart beat beating against mine, both fast from the adrenaline pumping through our bodies. This kiss was different from all the others, it wasn't passionate, rough or hungry. Nor even full of lies, it was filled with love and a strange red heat. It almost felt alien to me, but I mostly felt truth. My other hand moved, caressing his cheek slightly and I felt him smile. We separated, his eyes making contact with mine for only a second before moving his hand from my neck and intertwining it with my other free hand.

"I'm really glad you believe me Dan," he said quietly. "After... After everything I had done... I thought you wouldn't believe me, that my cowardice which made me turn into a dickhead pushed you too far away from me."

I shot him a small smile. "I believe you because I always believed the Phil I used to know was still there."

"He always was," Phil said sadly. "But things... happened. And I had to change a - and prevent you from being hurt... But from what I saw earlier I obviously haven't do a very good job of that."

His shoulders began to shake and he burst into tears suddenly, removing his hands from my grasp and sobbing into his hands. My eyes widened, I couldn't believe Phil was crying. Of all people I wouldn't see him as the one to cry. I moved my chair so I was close to him and I wrapped my arms around him, guiding his head to my shoulder.

"I - I'm so sorry Dan, it was all my fault," he sobbed, his voice cracking and his cried further into my shoulder. I rubbed his back, soon my hand venturing to his hair and the whispering of 'It's okay' over and over to him. However he kept simply shaking his head and saying it was. I took his face in my hands and told him it wasn't.

"Phil stop please," I begged wiping away his tears. He nodded, sniffing and smiling slightly.

"Sorry, I was being a bit of an over-emotional prat," Phil said. "Oh Dan, I'm so sorry, it really is my fault you're like this. What Brock has done to you, I shouldn't have become such a coward. I really do regret ditching you in Year 7... Oh my god I was such an idiot, I..."

I placed a finger to his lips to stop him talking.

"Phil, you're not an idiot, nor a coward, I just... I don't know whether I can trust you at all... What if you're still lying? I don't want to be hurt again," I said gently. 

Phil's eyes looked a little hurt but so innocent.

He shook his head. 

"I wouldn't ever lie to you ever again, this is all the truth I swear Dan. You have no idea how much I've hurt myself by hurting you Dan."

His hands clenched his head and I removed them before he scratched himself accidentally.

"Phil..." was all I could say because of how insecure I felt. 

I felt like he spoke the truth - but I'd managed to believe all his lies... 

He seemed to have opened up for once in five years though. My head kept telling me he was almost a liar, my heart telling me he spoke the truth but I didn't even want to trust either of them. But I wanted to trust Phil.

"You don't have to trust me if you don't want to..." he said to me. "I'd understand why but Dan, I'm telling the truth now because I love you."

I love you.