The Benefits Project ; phan au

19 ; Undeserving Queer

#19

It was almost as if the whole restaurant went silent.

But it didn't, only our parents did, the ringing from my ears droned down into my mind repeatedly as my stomach twisted itself into knots. Phil quickly squeezed my hand but I could tell he was just as anxious as I was, his hand shook a little in mine. My eyes followed the plain table cloth to my mum's eyes which looked like they were glittering with happiness, a little peace removed one weight from my chest.

Only three more to go.

I closed my eyes and then opened them looking at my dad who just looked shocked so I couldn't even get one emotion from him that was either positive or negative. Both mine and Phil's heads perked up as the voice of Mr Lester said;

"Phil we'll talk about this at home,"

Phil shivered and nodded hesitantly.

"We'll be doing the same Dan," my mum said softly, stroking dad's hand since he was showing some tension. "How about we get the bill Liz?"

"I agree," Mrs Lester agreed quickly, calling over a waitress and asking for the bill.

I looked at Phil, his eyes seemed almost hollow from emotion which scared me.

"Love you okay?" I whispered to him and he smiled weakly.

It was a pain that we couldn't show affection, even just a single hug.

Once the bill arrived our parents paid up quickly and Phil was almost dragged from the restaurant to his car so I could hardly say good bye after Mr and Mrs Lester had bid my parents a farewell. I wasn't going to lie, but I could feel slight regret curdling in my stomach and I was terrified for Phil. I sat down on the car seat and my parents climbed into the seats in front of me, my dad clutching the steering wheel a little too tightly.

"Harry..."

The engine started and we were on the road, my dad's driving so reckless it scared me all the more. Had I become so much of a failure to my dad that he couldn't even drive safely? Was he just going to kill us all because he felt such disgust for his son?

Undeserving queer.

No, stop, I don't even know what he thinks properly anyway. He may just be being accidentally reckless? No that's not it either...

We swerved around a bend, the bumper scratched against the rails on the road echoing a horrible screeching sound and my mind was going insane with thoughts, the sounds of the rails screeching over and over that I thought I was going to explode. But I had to maintain composed, for Phil, I needed to do it for him. I was just wishing for the best... at least.

Once the car had been parked on our drive we all climbed out, my mum took my shoulder and smiled softly, she must have known how nerve racking it is for me. But she made me feel loved, self-love as well as her own for me. The moment of quick bliss ended quickly as I walked inside the house beginning to wish Tilly was here so I didn't have to endure the following conversation because my body was already shaking rapidly from anxiety. My dad just didn't seem happy and I wish he would accept me. But he hasn't said that he doesn't right? My dad and I have never really been best pals, ever since I was little I was always a mum's boy rather than a dad's boy. Dad was always at work, so mum took care of me while I wasn't at school. She cooked, she cleaned, more importantly she remained strong and smiled. Ever since I was five I knew it was hard for her since dad was away so often so she hardly had any time for herself or any of her other friends. But before that I took everything she did for granted, although I wouldn't have necessarily understood at that young age.