TRANS RANTS

talking

Not about lgbt but

Mum wants to know why I'm not talking.

I told her because I'm scared that people will find me annoying.
Which is only a little true.

I couldn't tell her that every time I talk I end up crying and I'm sick of crying.

I just couldn't write it for her. She always reads everything I write out loud and I hate it. The time she uses makes it seem like a joke.

I have to go to headspace soon. I don't know when.
Mums booking an appointment.
I don't want mum in the room. She'll make comments about everything I say.

She said I have to get over my falear of talking. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm talking.
She doesnt realise that talking makes me feel stupid. I feel so stupid with my whispery voice and I always cry after.

I can barely bring myself to repeat things.

I hope the person at headspace let's me write.
I just want a little white board to carry around and write on.

Oh, I'm crying.
God I feel stupid. Every time I try to do something, mum calling me pathetic goes through my head and I feel too weak to continue doing anything.

I don't know why I'm not talking. There's just no reason to. I have myself to talk to. I can write. I can type. I can communicate in other ways.

Mum gets so pissy that I won't talk. She gets the most words out of me simply because she forces me. I will talk when I want to. And right now talking drains me.

No

Mum drains me

And mum makes me talk. And I associate talking with mum

I can't talk.
My voice is quiet from disuse and I feel embarrassed when told to speak up so I write.

And writing let's me think more. And texting allows me to joke.

I know its bad that I won't talk. But its so scary to talk. Please. I will say a word or so but please please don't force it on me.

I raise my hand in class instead of saying here. Partly because they wouldn't hear me anyway and also because I'm still deciding on whether I should say here, yes, present or something else.

And I don't want to mess up and join the words and say something like

Hes 
Or
Year
Or
Hesent
Or heresent

I dunno. Its stupid.

I want to see my people but I'm worried they'll hate me for writing.

And being late to class. Mum says I need to suck it up.
But whenever I'm late. I worry that I have the wrong day. Or wrong period, or I don't know my time table, or we got new time tables. Or we changed room. Or everyone will watch me enter. Or if I have the wrong room. Or wrong time.

I'm just so scared. And I feel stupid because mum says I need to suck it up and get over it.