Sadness Hotel | Uncompleted

forty four

"I can't do this anymore"

In a constant fight with this devil that's weighing me down. I've tried faking my happiness but that's not for me. You know maybe it's just prolonged sadness but then why the fuck have I been feeling this for at least four years. I wake up deprived of the power of sensation, forlorn or insubstantial. I'm surrounded by those who care but then why do I still feel so alone and isolated from everyone else. I've reminded myself many times to get a grip but it never works. I tell myself that people are going through worse things so I shouldn't feel like this. But, I can't help it when distress possesses me everyday. I feel severely damaged inside. I have a million thoughts swallow my mind daily. All these thoughts ignite the flames to my insecurities and troubles. Sometimes I don't even wanna love myself because I'd rather others love me and look up to me. I hope one day I can be an inspiration to people. I guess you could say I just love people too much. Some people I envy. The ones that bring pain and hate upon others. Fuck. I want to try to protect anyone suffering from hate that they don't deserve. I'm thankful that I'm learning to distance myself away from anyone who is noxious. Moreover, some days, I just want to be forgotten and wonder when my body will turn cold. I can't seem to find an answer for what I'm living for. The truth is, maybe I'm not even living. Not sure if I should grasp to my existence or what. What's the purpose of life anyways? What if I just vanish and all this pain inflicted on me was just to torture me. No lessons learned, no euphoria at the end...

...just unneeded agony.

This is my raw pain put into words; thank you.