[part two of my sleepless mind antics]
So i was born and raised in a Christian house hold. nothing wrong there. i enjoyed going to church, taking part in stuff. yeah? yeah.
but coming around to age 11-12, when i started feel 'depressed' (fight me). i realized the church doesn't empathize with mental illnesses.
for the past three years, it has been preached to me that depression and insecurities are a trick of satan to distance us from God. (honestly looking at it, this may be the reason i won't accept my 'depression' but i still think i'm an overdramatic idiot soooooo) I was told if i was feeling 'depressed' that i was straying from God and was probably sinning in some way. and this molded my thoughts about depression, for myself.
meaning that i was and am fully willing to accept that other people are depressed...except myself. you can ask any of my friends who i've openly talked about me 'depression' with. they will all tell you, at some point in time, i've described my emotions as fake and unnecessary. because i honestly and truly think they are.
it's to the point where i stayed up until 3am on night taking stupid online "am i depressed?" quizzes. i was so fed up with two sets of people telling me two different things. One side saying my 'depression' is fake and the other saying my emotions deserve to be validated.
then i was talking to one my off and on friends, we hadn't spoken in a while, and he asked me if i was depressed or anxious. and i said 'depressed', with my usual quotation marks, because i will admit that sometimes i get sad and have horrible thoughts but i refuse to put a name on it because being sad is normal. and my thoughts and everything that goes on in my mind is normal.
ANYWHO, so said friend asked why i put quotation marks around the word. and i explained to him i don't believe i'm truly depressed, just overdramatic. he then asked if my parent ever took me to a professional to get "things" checked out, i guess he meant get professionally diagnosed. the i explained the religion thing and he was so shook. like he could not believe my parents would put their religious beliefs over my mental and maybe physical health. and offered to take me to get help. that parts kinda irrelevant but it was cute so :]
idk where i was going with this rant but yeah. i'm 'depressed' i probably will never admit that without the quotation marks but whatevs.
i have another rant but it's not as long as these first two ;]
