Shattered

Enough is enough

I've been having days when I will be going on with my era and enjoying every bit of the senior days that are left, and I will want to break down. My mind wanders and somehow finds the trigger. The pain I feel is unexplainable. I just heat up, turn red and want to burst into tears.

Sometimes giving your all to everything just drains you out and you end up having a breakdown. Things used to be so simple. I can't recap anymore the time when things started to crash down. I guess things slowly went downhill for me after Damon. I wish I could do so many things differently in the past, but I can't. It has become the past, and I can't go back in time now.

I'm blamed every day for my own mistakes. I'm accused by the people that are the closest to me, not Hazel, but the other people in my life. I'm blamed by them every day for the mistakes I've committed. I'm judged for the mistakes I've made, but they give me no remorse for the pain I've been through in my life. People don't give me credit for being able to stay so high for so long. They don't. All they do is judge me, and make me feel even worse about me. I die inside, every single day thanks to these people, this world, the culture I live with, and everything else that is associated with me.

I do not have regrets about letting go of Noah because I knew at the end of the day I did love him but as my best friend and he deserved to be with someone that made him happy. When it comes to Yousuf, I can't even put into words what I feel. He means nothing to me anymore. He says nothing because I will never forgive him. How do you just kiss someone after she tells you that she is still in love with you? Are you that stupid?

Now, all alone, I watch these happy people with their beautiful smiles and wonder if my smile is the same still. My brother always reminds me that I have this lovely smile that lights up the room. My best friend, Hazel, tells me how my smile hides the pain I carry. The smile just disguises everything, but for how long? When will the smile drift away and people start uncovering my deep, dark secrets?

I can't do this anymore. I can't. College is almost here, but I'm not ready for the nonsense I'm going to put myself through. I'm not ready for the drama and pain people will put me through. I'm tired of crying and dying because of these people, this society, culture and just this world in general.

I'm exhausted. I can't do this anymore. I tried so long to choose to be happy, and live for my brother's sake, for my family, and for Hazel, but I can't do this anymore. I sit on the bathroom floor at least two to three times a day, just sitting down and crying my heart out. After that, my whole body just shakes and heats up, and I only sleep afterward because my eyes can't stay open.

I have secrets that I can never tell. I have a life filled with fake smiles and happiness that could never be real. I put a mask on to cover the pain. Wrists covered with bracelets, and hair ties, but you would never notice and just walk away blindly from the pain you refuse to see. How much longer was I going to be able to inflict pain on myself until I decide one day that I've had enough?

It's so exhausting that all people do in this world anymore is just hurt each other emotionally, mentally, physically. STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. Stop making each other feel so low about themselves. Stop! Why can't you guys just try to be sweet, and make each other's lives better rather than worse? You don't know the amount of pain someone is going through because they display them having such a perfect life so they can cover up the pain that you will never see. Why can't people just learn to focus on themselves and try to become better instead of trying to break each other down? People's opinions are meaningless; you should be the one to be happy. You should have the right to be happy, even if you've made mistakes in your life, also if people try to stop you from being happy.

Tomorrow is graduation, and I'm sorry, but enough is enough.