Shattered

Pushed over the edge

I was allowed to go home, finally! It felt like I was in the hospital for years, it was killing me. I was given even more medication before I left the hospital. I received another container of heart medication, some painkillers, all the good stuff. All the accident did to me was give me more anxiety, feel more depressed and feel even more alone. Yes, I chose Yousuf, and I should be happy. However, all of sudden he has become distant.

One day, we went out to eat and went to the park, and he was acting so strange for some reason, but I decided just to ignore it and go on with the day, but when I got home, I received a text message saying, "Hey I think we should end this. It's not you; it's me. Well, it's you and me together. I am afraid that because we are together, God will punish us for the sins we are making together. I'm sorry." And then poof. He disappeared. I cried every single day, every single hour with no control. I tried so hard to control myself but I couldn't. I would be in my room in tears. No one was allowed to come into my room, but my brother knew I was in tears, so he made sure no one came into my room.

A few weeks later, I found out the "God's" child was the devil himself. He had apparently been dating this girl since before my accident, and he had apparently cheated on me with a bunch of other girls. What's wrong with me? Do I have "play me," "lie to me," or "cheat on me," written all over my forehead? This whole situation pushed me over the edge even more. I died a little inside every single day. I chose a jackass over my best friend. My best friend was gone just because I thought I was making the right choice by selecting Yousuf.

I made the biggest mistake of my life, and thanks to that, I was paying for it. My arms were torn up, I cried non-stop, and my heart beats kept getting worse and worse. This breakup pushed me over the edge. I was so afraid of cracking any second of the day. I would think that I was ugly, not good enough, fat, stupid, or not worthy of anything that could give me happiness. I felt so bad about myself because of this one person, just because this one person that knew I had depression decided to hurt me even more and keep me in misery even longer. I thought I was just going to die in here because he has pushed me over the edge.

I wanted to die. I didn't want to live. I couldn't do this anymore. My best friend, Hazel would come and cry with me. She would try to make me feel better, but she could only do so much. I loved her for her effort, but I had to get out of this on my own.

Yousuf came into my life when I was weak and made me feel special. He believed in me like no other. Yousuf was a sweet person, perfect student, perfect son, the ideal brother, ideal friend, perfect lover, and an excellent liar. He prayed to God always, and read the holy bible every day. Yousuf cared for his family and friends. He cared about me, but he played me like a fool. He was the perfect angel that came down to lift me up when I was down. I told him everything. I opened up my heart and soul to him. He promised never to leave, he promised.

Yousuf loved me; I honestly believed he did. He was there with me through every cramp, every tear, every fight, everything. When I was unhappy, Yousuf found every possible way to put a smile on my face. He knew my weaknesses and pressure points and sometimes, or always, he used my weaknesses against me, and I didn't even notice.

He threw empty lies at my face, and I didn't even notice. I ignored his wrongdoings and tried to find a logical explanation in my head, but everything was right in front of me. He was not who he said he was. He was my safe place, my home. I had so much patience with him, yet he chose to leave me in tears, pain, and blood. Yousuf made me beg God for mercy. He made me ask for death upon myself because he pushed me over the edge. Yousuf was the devil disguised as an angel. He disappeared like a coward! I called him, left voicemails, and left many text messages but I didn't get a single reply back from him. Yousuf pushed me over the edge, and now I'm the most hopeless I can be.