Shattered

Smiles and laughter

It had been two years since I graduated high school, and I am attending college in the city right now. The day of graduation I woke up in tears. I woke up in pain. I woke up scared. I looked into the mirror and just stopped. Time froze. I realized it is my choice to be happy. I had to choose to be happy. I had to decide to fight this awful thing called depression and come out a fighter. The day of graduation, I got dressed, but I did not wear a dress like normal girls. I remember wearing these slacks, not precisely pants but they were dress-pants that were black with a cute top. I walked out of my room that day to see my brother, and my brother gave me the biggest hug, and it felt good. He said to me, "I'm proud of you." At that moment, I realized I am better than this. I realized I could do this.

I walked up to the stage the day of graduation when they called my name, and my parents and brother jumped out of their seats cheering me on. When I looked at them from the stage, I had come to realize that I just needed them, and Hazel and I was going to be perfectly fine.

Two years later, Hazel and I attend colleges very close to each other, and my parents and brother still push me to do my best. I could not be more grateful. Since the day of graduation, I have not self-harmed. I have not felt depressed. I have not had a panic attack. I have come out stronger than I expected. I have come out stronger than anyone expected. I chose to be happy. I decided to fight this battle, and I won. I win this battle. I do not get to be brought down. I do not deserve to be stepped on. I know what I deserve, and I know what I do not want to go through, and I have just become better as a person.

God knows where Damon, Alex, Yousuf or Noah is. They have all left some scar in my life, and they have made me numb. I, emotionally, cannot connect with another guy, and that is for my benefit because I do not have to deal with the stupidity of another guy. I am working on myself. I am working on my school. I am working on my future. I want my future to be the greatest it can be.

I did not deserve the pain that I went through, but I still went through it. The pain has made me impatient, and numb. You can see it however you would like, but being anxious has shown me not to deal with the crap that people throw at you and the numbness has made me desperate as a person. Maybe love will come to me one day, and I will always have hope for it, but if not, it's okay. I have a few years to see what the future has in store, but most importantly, I have my parents, my brother, and Hazel, and that is all that matters to me. I chose to be happy, and I am now.