Shattered

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Over the summer, I tried to get better and tried to think positive. The problem with that was that it only lasted for so long. I would have a breakdown by the end of the week and tear myself apart. No one understands how hard it was for me to stay sane. No one understands how hard it was for me to control my breakdowns. No one understands the amount of pain I feel before, during and after a collapse. My whole body shakes, and then I have scars left over all over my arms to remind of the break down I just went through. I would sit in the corner of the bathroom, and hold my legs close to my chest and silently just cry. I would cry so much that I would become silent in the end, and there would be no more tears. My whole body would go numb, and my arms would be left with red scars all over, a masterpiece of disaster. No one was ever going to understand the pain I was going through at all. No one gave a damn about me. No one. Just Hazel. No one else.

As summer went along, I received a random message from this guy that I had never met, and only some of my friends knew who he was. None of us had a bright idea of who he was, all we knew was that he was the priest's son and his name was Yousuf.

Yousuf messaged me because apparently, he, had heard about me, and what I have witnessed in my life. He said, "I'm sorry for what you've been through. Such a beautiful girl with that perfect smile shouldn't have gone through that much pain at such a young age. Jesus Christ will always stay by your side, so stay strong." Although I was born into a strict Catholic family, I didn't know how to deal with this guy who was my age, and he was super religious. I thought that maybe he would be good for me.

Once school started, we had a show in our school, and I invited him to meet me there. Just to stay safe and make sure he wasn't a creep, I apparently had to see him in a crowded just to be safe.

When I first met him, to be honest, I didn't feel anything towards him. He was just a hilarious guy that was making me laugh throughout the whole show in school. He made me laugh more than the performance did. He was a lovely guy, and I thought this was going to be a great new friend to have in my life. Throughout the show, we laughed, and he kept on nudging me to bug me during the show. He knew I wanted to laugh, and bother him, but I tried not to because I didn't want to bother anyone that was watching the show. The night with him was amazing. He was someone that was going to be great in my life.

I didn't realize that he wanted to be more than friends until he slowly started to flirt with me. Keep in mind, I don't understand flirting and just being friendly when it comes to Yousuf because when it comes to him, those two things are way too similar to tell apart. We were out getting dinner after the show, and he sat next to me. We were just taking pictures together, and talking about anything and everything, including the show of course. Out of random, he told me to kiss him on the cheek as a joke, and as I leaned in, he turned his face, and we kissed. We kissed on the lips. I tried to explain to him that I just got out of a relationship and I had been cheated on, but he told me that he would stand by me to make me stronger. He told me that he could make me happy. I didn't understand what happy meant anymore, and I could not believe this random stranger, well sort of because we have been talking for like a month or two, but I could not think this guy wanted to be with me and make me happy. I was in shock. I just couldn't believe the things he was saying to me.

So naturally, me being who I am, a fragile girl, I agreed to it. He would always come to the front of my school with his car, and as I got inside, he would always have hot coffee with milk and sugar ready for the both of us. We used to have sweet, meaningful conversations together at the park. We saw the colors of the leaves change as autumn came. We saw the trees die as winter began. We had each other. He would promise me, and tell me that I was it. I was his one. I was going to be the one he was going to marry. Hey, obviously you're going to believe him when you're at the library studying and texting him that you're craving ice cream and he shows up just to give you ice cream and leave.

We had each other. My head on his shoulder, us holding our coffee and sitting on a bench together and just watching the season change just made me feel safe, and at home with him. I felt secure. I felt happy, a feeling that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

To be honest, when you're a fragile girl you will believe anything and trust anyone because you're broken, and all you want is someone to care and show you, love. We spent a lot of time together, but I also spent a lot of time with my new best friend, Noah.

Noah had curly, dark brown hair with beautiful big brown eyes. He had such a contagious, adorable laugh and the sweetest smile. Noah listened to me, always. He was there for me, still. Never did I feel alone. Sometimes he was more there for me than Yousuf ever was. Noah was this guy that I had seen around school before but never said anything to him before. For some reason, I always felt like he disliked me. Noah was that mysterious guy that had the pretty hair but didn't talk to anyone. He spoke to Hazel a few times, but every time I came by he would always walk away, so yeah, I was pretty shocked when he came to me one day.

Noah isn't the type of person to usually ask someone to hang out. He came to me one day and said, "Hey, meet me at the diner after school." Me being me, of course, had to be rude about it and replied, "No thanks." Noah, with a confused look, said, "Why not Eva? It won't bite you. Don't be rude about it and let your guards down." Anyways, we went out for lunch that day and guessed what? This guy was pretty hilarious and had such a sweetheart. After that day, we became friends.

Noah knew how always to keep "that perfect smile" on my face whenever I was with him. Everyone just assumed we were going to end up together because we were such amazing best friends that they thought we would make an even better couple.

Due to my depression, I was a confused mess because Yousuf is my love, but Noah is my best friend. Yousuf hated me hanging out with Noah, but wouldn't be straight up about it. I didn't understand why he didn't like me being around Noah so much until one day Noah met up with me because of an emergency.

Noah and I met up at the diner, and we buy the same thing every time we go together, but anyways, he started the conversation. "Eva, I need to say something, but don't run." I love how he starts the conversation like this, my anxiety about to shoot out of the roof, but anyway, I just chose to listen. "Eva, I love you." I was confused, and said, "I love you too." He became a little frustrated and said, "No Eva, I love you as in I love you. I've always loved you. I have loved you since the first time I saw you in school, and would not look at me in the eyes every time I saw you in the halls. I have always loved you, Eva. I am saying this because I know you love me, don't deny that you don't. I know you are with Yousuf, which I don't even understand why. He can't love you the way I love you. I promise you that. I love you, Eva. I can't hide that with you anymore." My eyes were open so full, and I was in a moment of shock. I didn't know what to say and told him I didn't feel well, and he just dropped me off home.

He wanted me to realize that he is the better option, and to be honest maybe he was. I didn't know that until I got into an accident.