The G(r)ay Area

Part Twenty-One

Part Twenty-One.

"Why would I cheat on you? Why would I ever do anything like that?" Lucas asked, glaring daggers at me.

"For years, you've told me I was the only one. This must mean there's someone else. There has to be."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, I'm dead serious."

Lucas sighed heavily. "This isn't about you, Aiden."

"Then what is it about? Because I'm not get it."

"I need to figure out who I am and what I want. I can't hold you down in the process."

"You couldn't have done that four years ago?"

"Do you, for one second, even think of someone other than yourself? Because I'm pretty sure you'd be perfectly happy with me staying with you and assuming that that's what would make me happy."

"Isn't that what you've been doing thus far?"

Lucas raked his hands through his hair. "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to even do this, Aiden. But you don't seem to get that. I'm not staying with you just to make you happy."

"Then you wasted four years of your life."

"Do you even want me to be happy?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. I hated that he was turning this into my fault. It always happened that way. And maybe it was.

"You seriously can't even answer me that?" Lucas took a few steps away from me. "I don't even know why I tried."

I didn't know what to tell him. All of it was coming at me at once and I was completely unprepared. Like what do you say when your boyfriend of four years just decides that he doesn't want to be gay anymore?

Lucas went to his house, leaving me standing on the porch by myself. I wanted to go inside and curl up in bed. I wanted to scream and throw things. I could see myself doing all of those things. Instead, I slid down the door and pulled my knees to my chest. My backpack was still on, my uniform still on.

I stayed like that for minutes, hours, I wasn't sure. Mom got home at some point and found me. She must have known what happened from the tears on my face and the shaking in my hands.

"Come on, sweetie." Mom said softly, helping me to my feet.

I followed her inside, feeling better once there were walls surrounding me.

"Let's get you into bed." She guided me towards my room but I shook my head and pulled away from her.

"No, I-I can't..." I whispered.

"Do you want to stay in my room?"

I nodded, letting my backpack fall down my arms and onto the floor.

Mom followed me upstairs and pulled the covers back. "Do you want me to get you anything to eat?"

I shook my head.

She brushed my hair back, her fingers warm and comforting. "Do you want me to stay here with you?"

I couldn't get my mouth to work and I felt so exhausted I couldn't move my head, either.

She sat down on the bed beside me and that was it. I started crying again, my eyes burning from the salt water.

I slept for hours, days, I didn't know. Sleeping was the only thing that made me feel better. That and mom staying with me.

We had never been very close. It was better than the relationship I'd had with my dad but it still wasn't close. I never told mom things, never talked to her when I had a problem. That had always been Lucas or his mom. But never my own. And it made me feel like an awful person.

I never cried much around my mom. Not even when dad died. That was all mom. Honestly, most of the tears were hers. It was her loss, not mine.

Now... things were turned. She was comforting me the way I should have comforted her.

Lucas was right; I never thought of anyone by myself. And maybe that was the answer to everything. The reason behind all of my pain and heartache and sadness.

I brought it on myself.

Mom made tomato soup and ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch the next day. It always made me feel better when I was younger. I wasn't sure it had the same effect.

I'd stopped crying but the tears hung on the surface, waiting for the chance to come out.

"How has school been?" Mom asked, her tone light.

I shrugged. "Okay, I guess. I'm not doing so good in math though."

"Did you talk to the teacher about this?"

I looked up at her. "I had a tutor but... you know."

She got to her feet and picked up her glass. "Do you want more to drink?"

I nodded and let her take my cup to the sink. She filled the glasses with more tea, adding ice cubes as well.

"Mom, we don't have to keep dodging things. If you want to talk..."

"I don't want to push you." She said softly.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at my plate. "You should. You have every right to."

"Aiden, I want you to be comfortable talking to me. Whenever you're ready. Or if you're not, I understand."

"I should have seen this coming."

Mom stayed silent. She came back to the table and sat down, setting the glasses in between us.

"I don't think I ever really believed that Lucas liked me that much. It just... hurt more when he said he wanted to see what else was out there. Like it just confirmed all my fears. Four years of them."

"Do you think that's true?"

"I don't want to believe it but it's all I can think about."

"I don't think he would do something like that, Aiden. Why would he waste four years with you if he didn't feel anything?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe he needs this time to figure himself out. He's spent four years believing he's gay. Maybe he needs to be with a girl to see what it's like."

"Why? I don't have to so why does he?"

Mom laid her hand over mine. "You two are very different from one another. What works for you may not work for him."

"What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore?"

"Then you move on. You find someone else."

"I don't want anyone else." I whispered.

"Let's go upstairs and talk more, okay? You need to sleep."