Bal: it starts with me & you

Without you

*walking into the cemetery felt like walking into a field of ghosts, it was a private cemetery so everyone buried there was a relation of his in some form or another, he couldn't help looking around at all the names on the gravestones as he slowly made his way to the one he was looking for, by the time he got to the one he was looking for he found a lump was forming in his throat, so for a while he just stood there, looking the gravestone, until he finally worked up the courage to speak*
Ben: I don't know what I'm supposed to say....it's not sunk in properly yet I don't think? I just keep thinking that you'll be coming back to visit soon, like it was when you and mom went on that cruise just after my coronation....what am I supposed to do dad? How am I supposed to know if I'm doing all this right without you? I'm supposed to be able to look up to you now of all times, to be able to ask you the questions and look to you for help when I don't know what I'm doing, I'm a father, dad, and you're not here to see it, my kids aren't even a month old and they only have one grandparent, we're only in our early twenties, I only have one parent and Mal doesn't have any, I needed you, I need you, I'm gonna miss you so much dad, I hate to think we weren't even close when it happened, we were barely on good terms, damnit why couldn't you have just accepted that I loved her! Why did you have to put the best thing that's ever happened to me between us? I'm twenty one years old and I don't have a father anymore, and as if it's not worse you were still alive and not in my life for like two years because I wanted to spend my life with her
*as tears began to sting in his eyes, he stopped talking, he took a few deep breaths as he wiped them away and calmed himself down*
Ben: I need to stop this, I need to stop resenting you for things that are in the past now, it's not doing me any favours at all, I just wish I knew why, I have so many questions that I'll never get answers to....I'm really gonna miss you dad, nothing is ever gonna be the same without you, none of it, I promise I'm doing my best to try and make you proud, I really am
*he had so much more to say, but for now, he felt that was enough, he couldn't poss get out everything he wanted to say, and he couldn't rush the process of grieving and getting this all out of his system so he could deal with it all properly, but he was starting to be okay with how he felt about it all and that had been the main reason he'd really needed to go, it was then he resolved to make regular visits, he'd find his rhythm, he'd figure it all out, but first he and Mal had two more things they had to deal with before that could start happening, and now he'd done this, he really felt ready for the rollercoaster week they were about to endure, he knew they get there in the end, it was just for now that it might be a little bit hard to endure everything, but Mal was with him on it all and that's as all he really needed*

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BECAUSE BEN DESERVED CLOSURE SO I GAVE IT TO HIM CUZ SOMETIMES IM A NICE PERSON 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ lmao anyways, HERE YOU GOOOO, enjoyyyyyy 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ Xoxo