D.
I'm torn between wanting to see you everyday for the rest of my life and wanting to never see you again. I'm torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to forget about you. I start to believe that moving on is possible, but then something just draws me back to you. You walk in the room and everyone else just disappears. Nothing else just seems to matter.
Is telling you that I still love you even a possibility? Even if it may not be the right thing, even if it may cause a problem, even if it may burn my life to the ground, should I tell you? I just don't know anymore.
So many what-ifs are running through my mind. What if you still feel the same way? What if you hate me now? What if you've completely moved on from me? What if it's too late for me to tell you?
All I know is I don't know.
Call me weak. Call me a coward. But every time I see you I just want to cry. I just want to disappear. I want to tell you I love you and run away. I want to be free from you... but I also want to be with you.
But I'll keep it in. I'll just continue to bury my feelings. And it's okay because I wouldn't want to hurt you or ruin things for you. I wouldn't want to make you feel guilty for having moved on. It's okay.
I'll take the pain, the heartache, if it means you won't have to.
So for now, I'll continue to pass you in the halls and feel my heart wrenching inside my chest. I'll continue to see you here and there and hold back my tears. I'll continue to hear your laugh from across the room and die a bit inside.
Healing may come in time, but, yet again, it's been three years. Even so, I will try to move on. I will try to let you go and free my heart from the pain. It'll be okay. I'll be okay. Eventually.
S.
