And it is happening again.
The cycle repeats.
I have moved on from you, but now there is another.
Another that I cannot get out of my head.
Another that my heart yearns for.
Another that I cannot have, and I am not sure if I even want.
He's killing me slowly, or perhaps it is quickly. My mind rests only on him. My eyes look for him in every room. My stomach turns at the thought of him.
The cycle repeats.
It feels oh so familiar, though... so much like it did with you. But it is also so different, and I cannot do with him what I did with you.
I cannot be with him. I cannot choose him. He is not right for me. But every nerve in my body feels for him. I do not know why.
I do not know him. Not well, at least. But he is killing me.
You called me a back pearl once. Then, you called me a black hole. You said I suck the life out of something I want, someone I want, until there is nothing left for me. I have rejected that narrative, tried so hard not to fall into that narrative.
If I choose him, I am a black hole.
If I choose him, I leave the man that loves me. I hurt the man that loves me. The man that I could share a future with. I lose him. I do not want to lose him. I want him.
So how can I want them both at the same time?
How can I be with one and think of the other at the same time?
It is wrong, so wrong. How do I stop it? How do I move on?
So the cycle repeats. The last one lasted four years. Oh, god, I hope it does not last that long again.
