Divorce

∞ of Five

(March 18th, 2010)

  Life is round.

  You're stuck between living and dying (energy). So in a way, we're dead. We're all dead souls. We're not alive, just breathing and what makes you think that breathing proves you're not dead? Can't you see it? Our soul is being killed by our mind and our mind is affected by our thoughts and our thoughts treat us the same way we allow the people to treat us.

  It never really dawned me how thoughts like these passed through my mind.

  I opened my eyes, groaning. Slowly, reality hit me. It's been two to three days since Jeremy sent me that text. I don't know how I feel and I don't know why, was it because of (a) what he did to me or (b) because they both betrayed me at a single second difference. I don't know. I slowly got out off bed and dragged myself to the bathroom.

  A small gasp escaped my lips when I saw the reflected image of me in the mirror. My skin was so pale, I could pass the snow. My hair stuck out in different directions stubbornly and my eyes carried big, black, and heavy bags under them.

  I looked exactly how I felt from the inside... devastated.

  My vision was blurred by the tears that had the urge to escape but I refused to let them down. I refused to cry over such a thing again. I refuse to cry and hide. What was done is already done and I can't do anything about it.

  My hair refused to listen to me in anyway and so I decided to just clip the bangs up which also didn't work and I gave up on it, leaving it open, sticking into different directions.

  I pulled on my school uniform and shoes, leaving my glasses behind, seeing no point in getting them anyway. What was there to look at? How cruel the world can be? Ha. I think all of us know that now.

  When I reached school the usual scene and environment welcomed me, but this time it wasn't something pleasant or something that would make me smile like it always did. There wasn't that someone who would greet me with a hug and a peck on my lips.

  It was something that broke me even more of what was left. It shattered me to the pieces that I thought could never be shattered. It shattered me into the pieces that were left, left by him for me.

  It's like the air was knocked out of me and I just had to sit and watch the others breathe. It was like drowning and watching or even feeling everyone around you just laughing.

  It's like my heart was being squeezed and drained out in his hands, Jeremy's hands.

  He was with Hana. Her head lay on his shoulder as they sat, reading something together and then laughing about it. His hand was around his shoulder. The thumb pointing out, holding her like he used to hold onto me.

  He then turned around and said;

  "Hey"

  "I never really understood you. It's like you never really knew me. I feel like you're some random stranger these days," I don't know why I said that, I just knew that I had to get everything that I have felt for the past three day out of my system.

  He just stared at me with a blank expression, eyes cold and dark and so I took it as a sign to continue my little.. whatever it is that I wanted to say.

  "Are you pretending to be so careless and forgetful and know nothing at all or did you actually become like this?" I questioned.

  "Option number three. I have no clue. All right, crap why are you sad?" he mumbled, his eyes flashing with an emotion I couldn't quiet place my finger on.