Divorce

∞ of Twelve

(January 29th, 2015)

  It was hot. Too hot. 

  I tried turning around, but my body was under another. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the hand wrapped around my waist and then to the owner of that huge arm.. Hand, or should I say paw?

  At first, I started panicking. Why would Jeremy's hand be wrapped around me and why was he in my bed in the first place. After racking my mind for what seemed so long, I couldn't find a proper explanation for myself.

  "Morning, wife," he mumbled, sleepily. As soon as he called me a 'wife', the realization hit me and I started laughing. He pulled me closer to his body and asked,"What's so funny?"

  "Nothing,"

  "Cassidy, you better tell me or I will.."

  "You will what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but it didn't seem to work and so I settled for patience. I waited for him to let go of me so that I could shower. I was sweating like a... Never mind.

  He lifted my shirt up, exposing my bare stomach. I looked at him sternly and asked, "Jeremy," I purposely dragged his name, "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing," he remarked innocently and started moving his finger around my stomach, tickling me. 

  "S-stop!" I screamed between fits of laughter. He smiled at me, the smile I adored so much, and then brought his face closer to mine, his mouth on my ear, "Tell me that you love me and I'll let you go," he said, his eyes glistening in amusement.

  For me, it was different. It didn't make me laugh or smile and his finger on my stomach had no reaction out of me at all now. It's like everything stood frozen. Do I still love him? Do I really? I wanted to be with Zachary so much and I mentioned that to Jeremy right after we married. It all sounds so messed up. One thing I am sure of, it will be against my vows to tell him that, even if I do and I will not, I will not say a word of it or even speak of it.

  He must have noticed the change of mood and the frown on my face because he stopped tickling me and for that I was thankful. His hands dropped to his sides and he moved off me. I hopped out of the bed and looked back at him and said, "I'm going to shower, try making some sandwiches and don't burn the kitchen. I'm not making breakfast today,"

  "I'll join you in the shower,"

  "No, thank you. You're up for breakfast, go make something," I said, not looking him in the eye.

  I don't know why things keep getting awkward and coming to think of it, this is how it will be for the rest of my life. Me married to Jeremy because I had to save my dad's company that was at risk and I'm here like an idiot. The only thing I know is that God wouldn't give me anything that I cannot handle and I do not even know what I can or cannot handle right now. It's all so confusing.

  Everything, about three weeks ago I was whining and vowing of never seeing Jeremy again and now I am stuck with him in a marriage and the worst thing, is that this marriage seems so real. This time, he's the one who has to put the effort if he wants this to work. I was tired after all he did, I was trying. Forgive is forgiven, but there is no chance of forgetting. I can't forget. It's all that has been running in circles around me and I can't just forget it.

  I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, stripping my clothes of I hoped into the shower, the hot water massaging my back, calming my nerves and melting my worries away.

  I thought abck to the days where me and Jeremy would talk about our future. I was too stupid to believe it all. I was too yound and naive. I would think that every word he ever said was true.