Divorce

∞ of Six

(March 20th, 2010)

It's been four or maybe even five, I lost track of time, days since Jeremy sent me that text a little over midnight. It's been four to five days of crying myself to sleep and I think I can officially tell people that I'm over him, even though I'm not.

I was hoping that it would convince myself eventually that I am over him, that I deserved better than this and that I was too good to be treated like crap by him. But that's not how I felt and that's not the way I was going to feel anytime soon.

All I had to do was tell people that I am so over him, like 'A Harry Potter series and a tub of ice cream later' kind of over him. If that even makes any sense? I don't know about you, but to me. It does.

Maybe that wasn't the best way to describe everything around me, but c'est la vie and well, I don't think I'll be able to do anything about it anytime soon. I mean, that's just how things are.

You see? I just realized that there wasn't much sense in being with him anyway, I guess. It was a Thursday and just like any other day, I was stuck at home.

It's been quite a while since I have played my guitar and wrote some lyrics, and let me say I am surprised I haven't lost my skills. Well, how do you expect me to work on my things when the only thing that's on my mind is a big huge bowl of chocolate chip cookies or maybe a good subway sandwich or even better, somebody dead. Well, maybe you can disregard the last option.

I pulled the guitar closer to my chest and started playing;

I can see it from the spark in your eyes,
You believe in all the things you deny.
You wanna fly,
And leave your worries behind...
Don' you?
Don' you?'

And I stopped for a while to write those lyrics down. Sometimes I found making music kind of tiring, sometimes, like now. I don't know why, but times like today I make myself do it to get my mind of things and that's what bothers me.

Self-destruction.

I fear being left alone with my thoughts, my negative thoughts that have the biggest impact on my life because mostly, everywhere I go is where my thoughts take me and if I am always as negative as I am it leads to self-destruction, self-destruction and confinement and those were my two biggest fears, my only fears.

I put my guitar back into it's case and placed it next to my nightstand and sat cross-legged on my bed, picking on my grey sweatpants and thinking about how I will be spending my weekend.

Hmmm. Sleep. Eat. Watch Lost. Sleep. Watch The Walking Dead. Eat. Sleep.

The problem was that whatever it was that I tried to think about my mind always ended up on Jeremy. I seemed to be in a very good mood today, maybe he must have died?

Oops. I'm not supposed to think of people in such a way. Although, I think I had a right when it came to Jeremy Fernandes because (a) you don't really break a person's heart and then ask them if they're okay and to top it all off with a cherry on top, you ask them if they're okay (b) cheat on people for absolutely no reason and (c) Well, I don't think I really need a third reason for him to be dead, honestly.

It's his arrogant words and attitude that makes you feel like you want to kill him, I mean you don't just walk around saying 'Oh my god, look at me! I work out. I am so hot I can burn the sun. My six pack is completely out of this world and my voice is so damn good. I'm a very perverted dude who shags girls. Wait a minute... Is that my mate I smell? Hmmm.' Okay, he's not exactly like that, but he likes to brag and sometimes, no. It just gets tiring listening to someone brag about their body all the time. There's so much there things to talk about to people.