Divorce

∞ of Eighteen

(December 16th, 2016)

     Life, it's such a funny thing.

     In one room at a hospital, one is born and the room right next to it, one is taking their last breath.

     You never know what's going to happen next. You never know what your next step is going to be all about, but you do know one thing, that every step you will be taking is already written, is already known by the one who created you.

     I find it funny and ridiculous how people enjoy birthdays, I never did. Many thought that I was just being paranoid, but there was nothing really to be happy about, and celebrate when you're a year closer to your own end.

     And I find it funny that the same people who fear death, celebrate it every time they get closer to it.

     One would be a fool to think I ever feared death.

     Death is not a design. It does not chase anyone. If one is supposed to die, they will and if they aren't then they won't. Death ends. It is quick, and sometimes, it is slow and painful. But it ends. 

     Life? Well, life goes on.

     There was nothing to fear, death gives the people what they deserve and I think, one is a coward to fear something that will give you what you deserve.

     Getting what you deserve must be your biggest fear because one wants to leave this planet being grand, known among the living. They want to know that everything they have ever known is vast and useful.

     And maybe what they know is vast, it might be vast to you and me. It might be vast to everyone you know or they know, but it will never be vast enough for the whole world and that is what they fear of , lack of knowledge before getting what they deserve. Before reaching their finish line. They fear leaving this planet, this life without being known for something that they have done.

    There's a coward in every one of us, there is something that we fear that makes us all cowards. Maybe being afraid confinement and self-destruction does not make me a coward, maybe it is the fear of finding that coward in me.

     And you will be okay, I will be okay if we just overcome this fear.

     You either choose to make progress or you choose to make excuses.

     When I look at Jeremy's face, with his eyes fluttering whilst sleeping and breathing deeply, I know that his choice is to make excuses. 

     But who am I to speak when I haven't made any progress? I thought.

     The door bell rang, interrupting my thoughts and I skipped out off bed, running to the door, making sure my steps are light and fast, so that I won't wake Jeremy up.

     I looked through the peep hole and saw one of my clients standing there, hand in their jean pockets, "Give me a moment," I yelled through the door, running back to my room to get dressed.

     I pulled on my dark blue leggings and Jeremy's cream colored sweater that reached mid-thigh. It was warm, soft and comfy. It smelled just like him, smoke and mint.

     I started to think about the times I tried to get him to stop smoking, but he always waved me off. I remembered that my client was waiting for me out the door and rushed to it, opening it up and smiling brightly.

     "Welcome, please come in." I ushered her in and then closed the door behind her.

     "Thank You, Mrs. Carvalho." The young girl nodded, her hands still stuffed in her pockets as she stood there awkwardly waiting for something to happen or for something to be said.