Sock Reviews (Harsh Critiques for Serious Authors)

Espoir

Biggest Issue: Jumbled Everything

Personal Score: 2/10

Dear PurpleCielo1117,

The first thing I noticed about Espoir was the opening line. It's cliche, and I've read different variations of that phrase in teen fiction. Especially, Wattpad teen fiction. Its writers have a weird habit of giving their teen girl protagonists all the same voices and personality. You seem to have started out by using that same voice. But more than that, your introduction was so incredibly bland. 

All I could really think about as I read through the several opening paragraphs, was why you had your characters discuss heat for so long. It's boring, and mundane, and Jasmine should start her story somewhere more appropriate. And by appropriate, I mean somewhere where it would be reasonable fro her to disperse that exposition. Parents and siblings don't just give summaries of their move to each other, unprompted. It makes everything stale. It would be more believable if Jasmine were to meet someone in town and fill them in on her situation - a new neighbor, or some kind of conversation where such exposition makes sense. 

All in all, the biggest piece of advice I can offer is to cut out the unnecessary details. And you have a lot. You don't need to introduce Jasmine's parents yet. They don't offer any kind of purpose to this chapter, other than to cram in awkward info. Jasmine's story could start with her already exploring the town, getting to know the sights and the new streets. The reader isn't stupid. They'd understand why she'd be exploring a new town - the exact reason doesn't need to be revealed in the first two pages.

Your pacing is a weird mixture of both fast and slow. You rush into your details, and the dialogue becomes stilted with information overload. The dialogue itself refuses to read as anything other than off putting. Its like a scripted play, with actors who don't put any real emotion into their words. I don't want to know Jasmine's parents. They seem boring. They are cut-out tropes of typical, neutral parents. The brother... I don't know yet, but I'd advise you to be careful. Background characters are more than just tools to mechanically move the plot along. They are their own people, with their own thoughts and feelings and quirks and life. An author who spends just as much time fleshing out their background characters as they do their main characters, will have the most realistic worlds and relate-able heroes and villains. 

Uriah is something else. He is, quite possibly, the most undecided POV, I've ever read. The POV swap is not something I personally like, especially when the POVs are bland. When Jasmine meets Uriah, it feels so stretched and forced - the dialogue between them is painfully awkward. Uriah's thoughts try constantly to guess Jasmine's feelings, and it becomes confusing very quickly on just how each person is suppose to act. 

And then, Jasmine faints. 

All of that could have been achieved in such a more constructive and concise chapter. You don't need to introduce Jasmine's family. They don't do anything yet. Jasmine could begin her story by finding the florist shop, and a dialogue between Uriah could help determine how each person feels about the other. A POV change in the middle of such a dialogue could prove to be really interesting. But, of whatever advice you wanna take away from this, I hope you take this one as well - find a good pace that compliments your story, and practice it.