Sock Reviews (Harsh Critiques for Serious Authors)

The Daylight Star

Biggest Issue: Show, Don't Tell

Personal Score: 3/10

Dear 647worth,

Fantasy and sci-fi are a touchy subject. Some authors of very high fantasy will actually lean into a 'telling' style, explaining the events in the way a historian would. That is because the characters are often less the focus, and more the players in a very prominent plot. I've also seen a few science fiction novels that have done the same, especially those focused on political aspects. And usually, they work, but not because the author just spews out a bunch of random exposition. There is still a definite art to their writing, even if it is often less detailed than a modern teen fic. But that's how your story is reading to me, like a teen fic. 

Your world and plot is focused to one city, and focused on a single boy who must deal with the kidnapping of his parents. Everything you've written does not reflect his internal struggles, or even his personality. Your just telling us what's going on, describing his actions in long, overdone and exhausting paragraphs. 

Your protagonist is boring. He wakes up to freak out upon his missing parents, making it clear (at least three times, which is defiantly not needed at all) that he didn't even bother to think rationally first. You bring this detail up over halfway through the chapter - that the parents could have just been grocery shopping or out in town. Why don't you have your protagonist begin his morning as usual, showing his normal life for a few introductory paragraphs before he realizes that something is wrong. Everything moves so fast, and I'm having a hard time trying to pin down why I should be interested. That, and I can't understand why you chose to summarize your plot, when there is so much more you can do with this world. 

The Daylight Star is in a city, where the man character appears to be spending the majority of his time. The showing here does not work. You're not exploring half the world. You're exploring a single city, and the Daylight Star - as the literal title would suggest - is the center point of your lore. There's no need for its description at the start of the chapter. It takes away the awe you could inspire upon the readers first time seeing it. Or when your MC is in the city, he could hear its name, and you could imply the importance of this star. Telling is so boring, and your star deserves better than that. Your world deserves so much better than that. 

As an ending note, I also wanted to talk about the scene where the MC's parents wait to be kidnapped. I have no idea if this is apart of the plot, an important piece where the reader has to know that the parents were aware of what was to happen. Is this needed? I don't know, but if there is no point besides trying to make an appealing hook, scrap it. Scrap that and the opening paragraphs explaining what the Daylight Star is. You can do so much more with all your information, and you can do it in a much more interesting way.