caraphernelia || l.h

i use to make you happy

"Hey darling, how are you doing?" My mum was curled up on the couch; it was her day off. She looked at me sympathetically, she always did whenever I came out of my room. I knew that even my mum missed her. Maybe it was slightly because of what the loss of her did to me but I knew my mum had adored her too.

"What's up?" I had a drink in my hand and sat down next to her.

"A romantic movie. I know you don't like them much but it wouldn't hurt to spend some time with the woman that gave birth to you." I couldn't help but laugh along with her. Me and my mum were close and that hadn't changed when I did so I stayed. I missed the way me and mum use to joke around, just us two. 

I knew it would have been a movie you would have enjoyed but I stuck it out, laughing at all the bits I was suppose to. Even if I couldn't focus on it completely. From what I could tell it actually wasn't that bad, I really had to get back into my favourite movies.

There wasn't a thing as 'soulmates' or your 'other half'. If they were real things then why was I alone right now? Why couldn't I do simple things without thoughts and pain hitting me full force. Things like Romeo and Juliet (who were idiotic by the way) didn't happen and I knew it first hand. I wish I could warn other people what they were getting into, to look for signs of unrequited love before they were abandoned.

My mum was staring at me and her eyebrows were furrowed with confusion. I sent her a smile I had practised for a year now and it had become believable enough for my friends and family to stop worrying so much.

 ♡☠

Your taste in movies was always my favourite. You were happy to watch comedies and horrors and action packed films for me but you adored romantic films. You would get so engrossed in a movie that sometimes you'd forget I was there and jump when I made a noise. I tried hard not to distract you, I knew watching whatever film was on made you happy and I was content with knowing a smile was on your face.

It was hard to watch you cry at movies.You weren't always emotional but some things really got to you. It wasn't even movies like The Notebook, you know, those typical romantic films you adored. I remember when you cried your heart out at Marley and Me and when I teased you about it after you threatened to cut my balls off and, if I remember correctly, shove them up my ugly ass. Then we'd laugh about it and your tears would be, thankfully, forgotten.

These memories I have of you make me happy. They fill me with a similar warmth that you use to although never as vibrant. I don't know when you're sad or crying and it's horrible to think that I can't ever be there to comfort you. I'm not even sure if what use to make you laugh would still make you laugh now. I feel useless. I guess you have River to make you happy.

I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I'm not.

♡☠

a/n i'm not sure if it's totally obvious. the normal writing is things that are happening in his life at the moment. the italics are him addressing his ex-girlfriend. although she never even knows he is doing that, it makes him feel better because he's always stuck with reminders of her