mistake at 11:11 、 bts

+bling bling jjong+

i've been mourning,

a lot.

too much.

i tried to smile but i would always end up crying again,

he was one of my inspirations and his group is like a head start on how i started stanning kpop,

and he was my first bias, ever.

i regretted everything once i heard the news,

i've been ignoring shinee and i fucking regret it,

till this time i kept on thinking, "why did i fucking ignore them?"

i always thought that they would always be ot5 and that they'll always be happy, but they become ot4 in the most tragic way.

i miss him, so much.

jonghyun-ah, you're okay now right? you've always been enough, you've always been amazing. you were the reason why little me smiled everyday listening to you singing, crying, laughing..

2 days ago was the first time i ever heard ring ding dong and cried a river,

its hard to believe that you left,

its hard to believe that i wouldn't see a new picture of you smiling. its hard to believe that you are actually gone.

yeah there were times when i didn't mind your group but your group always held a special spot in my heart,

i laughed the first time i saw the post, i thought that it was the most stupid news i ever heard,

but then everyone started posting,

and the tears start too flow out,

i cried so many times,

in school, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, i just kept on thinking about why didn't he tell any of us?

why didn't he tell that he was in pain.

and there was where i was wrong.

he did,

but no one noticed.

my friends asks, "doesn't he think about other people before he thought of killing himself"

and honestly i think if i was in his position i would think no one even cares if i die.

depression

isn't

a

joke.

its fucking real.

my friends even have the fucking audacity too call him stupid and make fun of how he died. saying that they imagined how the coal would make his face all black.

i know you don't fucking stan him but please, respect him.

my heart really exploded when i saw his picture on top of his memorial,

he was smiling so beautifully,

and i thought that he now must be happy, smiling up there.

shawols, my sisters my brothers please don't do anything stupid,

don't harm yourself cause i'm sure i'm not the only one to think that jonghyun wouldn't want that,

he would want us to be happy and let go, which i couldn't do yet.

and this is why i made this author note,

i couldn't update and nothing was in my mind when i was trying to write part eighteen, part seventeen is already drafted so i'll post a chapter today but i need some more time to calm down,

its heartbreaking to think that hes gone and hes never coming back,

he will always be in my- our hearts now, tomorrow till' forever.

rest in peace jonghyunah, you've finally left the darkness and joined the light, he was an angel then and now god wants him back.

dress warm on your way to your afterlife, love you!! 💜💜💜

i'm sorry for the inconvenience, i'll see you guys soon.

- end