CHAPTER 20: DEPRESSION
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Dear Diary,
As the weeks have gone by, my life has become useless. I’ve barely smiled. Katie and Bennie have given up on me. My mother hasn’t really been around because she started taking classes at the local community college. She says she wants to study engineering. I know she’s a bit old for that kind of thing, what with all the new Einsteins of the world, but it makes her happy.
Katie has been going steady with this new boy Steven. I really like him, because he’s not like the usual boy that Katie would go for. He’s very sweet and has showered her with gifts for the upcoming Valentine’s Day… which happens to be tomorrow. Great.
Abe hasn’t been around much. Sometimes he shows up to school, sometimes he doesn’t. He gave up on soccer and started hanging out with the “bad” crowd. Last week, I heard he jumped off a bridge. He would have never done that in Florida. I feel a bit guilty for being the reason for his move. Sometimes, I wish I had never been with him as more than a friend. Maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I’d be with Blane right now.
Blane. Just hearing the name makes my heart sore. He’s been doing so well nowadays. He’s been maintaining his A+s and doing phenomenal on the field. Last Friday, I went to go see his home lacrosse game. I was so ashamed that I hid behind the bleachers and left right when the game ended. I didn’t want anyone to see me, especially not Blane. It was obvious that our breakup was benefitting him, so I wouldn’t ruin him.
Everything I touch ruins. Abe. Blane. Mr. Smith. I didn’t want to wait to see who the next victim was. That’s why I’ve been secluding myself from everyone. I’ve been wearing hoodies and jeans to school, abandoned my couture. The girls stare at me in the hallway and let me pass. I don’t mind. I’d rather be alone.
This is the only place I can be myself. Thanks for listening, diary.
XOXO,
Carter Rosenthal
It was time to go to school, so I shut my diary and headed downstairs. I was wearing a black hoodie and blue jeans. My hair was in a loose side braid and I wasn’t wearing any makeup.
“Mom, can I skip school today?”
“No, sweet heart. You’ve already missed two days. What’s going on? You can tell me anything, you know.”
“Nothing, mom. Really,” I said forcing an unfamiliar smile.
In reality, everything was wrong. Dad hadn’t come home in two days, and I knew it pained her. He was convinced that he could save my grandfather, but I knew it was a lost cause. The next thing we had to worry about was mending the pieces of him that would shatter with my grandfather’s death.
I decided to take a shortcut to school today to avoid passing Abe’s apartment. Sometimes I would see him on his balcony and he would wave, but I would just keep walking. I knew he stared after me as I walked on.
I missed my old life. I missed the life where I hadn’t met Blane. The life where I would walk to school with Zedd blasting through my ear drums. The life where I would wave to Mrs. Porter. The life where I didn’t have to worry about my father. The life where I didn’t have to keep my head down because Abe was always there to protect me.
Now he wasn’t.
