My journal

Jonghyun

I know some of you are waiting on the hades update but I literally have been crying since the minute I found out about Jonghyun.... please understand..... I've loved SHINee for 6 years and their my ults. Thinking about the pain the members and Jonghyun must have gone through its breaking my world apart. I haven't eaten in 36 hours. I'm starving but I can't eat. I want to throw up but there's nothing in my stomach. I start shaking the minute I think about it and my mind can't fathom the idea of him leaving us. It can't be true, I want it to all be a dream. Me and my best friend, our ultimate dream was to go to Korea and see SHINee in concert. Her ult is Jonghyun, what was I supposed to do with her shaking in my arms? How was I supposed to handle her crying her heart out, how she could never fulfill her dream???? We kept asking ourselves, why us? Why our favorite group? Why did tragedy strike our favorite idol? It felt like a sick joke. We felt targeted, we were angry we wanted to blame anything and everything. We made a promise that SHINee would be our forever, and they would always be our ult group, no matter what groups came along. It feels like we're being forced to move on, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate these disgusting thoughts in my head, there is a vein in the right side of my forehead that throbs everytime I cry. I can't help it. I almost fainted while shopping with my best friend, because I wanted to distract her. I had a god damn photo card of Jonghyun in my case, she started crying in the middle of Starbucks yelling "why? Why my Jonghyun?" When I first discovered SHINee, never in a million years did I foresee such a devastating tragedy. I'm mad at the disgusting thoughts that go through my head. I'm mad at the fact that I feel mad that anyone who isn't a shawol is mourning. What gives me the right? Why am I getting mad at people who aren't Shawols getting sad? Its so disgusting, I can only sympathize with other Shawols if not I feel like their lying. I feel like they don't understand what I'm going through. I'm mad that people are moving on, I'm mad that it's only me and my friend who are left behind, mourning the person we loved most. I'm mad that people suddenly decided Jonghyun is in heaven, when my fucking dumb ass is a whole atheist and doesn't believe in a heaven. I disgustingly loathe myself for not being able to imagine him in a better place. How do I know he's in a better place? How can I tell him he did well when I don't think so? Why did he leave me ??? Why ? Why ? Why? Why did you leave me? How could you? I miss you. How could you leave me behind with such feelings ? I've tried doing the same thing you know? I've tried it twice, I've felt the same way you did and you were the source of my happiness. Do you know how happy I felt getting your photocard in your own album? Do you know how much I cried the day you care to Dallas and I was so close to you???? But I couldn't see you??? I tried to, I went to the airport but you left the hour prior. I tried, I thought it must have been a coincidence that you were in Dallas the same day I was !!!! Yet the minute I get there, you leave me. I was so close to you at one point.... and now I'll never see you. I want to hate you but I can't because I love you so much. I've always loved you, you were my first love, you and SHINee brought me immense happiness when I couldn't have my own. I couldn't see you in this life, so I can only hope to whatever being is out there that we can meet in the next. I've never lost anyone so dear to me and it is really hurting me, Jonghyun. I miss you so much. This is so sur real. I see videos of you, I see the posters in my wall, hell your on the back of my phone. I feel like your still here and then I get haunted by the words "dead" "body" " coffin" " suicide" and I start trembling from pain. It hurts, it hurts so bad, especially since I can't show anyone these feelings. I've had these feelings for years, your death has brought out so much of it. I need help.. how could you leave me with such pain??????? I'm so hopeless without you. I need you.