anyways.

him pt 2

I still remember him. A different him. He was a coworker and nothing more.

To me, at least.

He would make crude remarks to me, but I'd always brush them off. We'd have a laugh or to but, for some reason, I would always feel unease in his presence.

It wasn't until I caught him staring at me with animal intent and the "accidental" grazes against my ass began that I realized his intentions. His unwarranted touch sickened me.

But I never said anything.

I never told anyone.

I feel like a fool for doing so.

He continued to touch me and I'd cringe away from him. We were always off camera when these incidences occurred and he'd always make sexual remarks to me and would always talk about how "hard [he] fuck[s]," to try and entice me.

But then, he'd blame his actions on his depression and beg me to not hate him because he'd hate himself more. He'd blame me.

That fucked me up.

I remember how he forced his "hugs" on me and how he seemed to grab at my back. I remember how long he'd hold me there and I'd force myself to play along. I felt dirty and tainted after the end of each shift with him, but I'd still keep my fucking mouth shut.

Why am I a coward?

I remember how often he'd try to get me to go to lunch or dinner with him and how much he said he'd  just want "the two of us to hang out."

I don't even want to think of what would have happened if I had said yes to his proposals.

I remember how grateful I was to my boss for keeping him on separate shifts from me and how happy I was when he was fired.

I never reported him, but nevertheless I was happy.

But as days and weeks and months pass on, I still find myself jumping at each graze against me, regardless of person. I still find myself thinking about his harassment, his actions and words. I still cannot look at others without questioning their intent. He ruined my openness, my willingness to converse with people I meet.

I cannot go on day by day without fear.

Without doubt.

All because of him.