When We Were Young » Thomas Shelby

chapter 18

The five stages of grieve, or the Kübler-Ross model, wasn't a concept people were familiar with until about 1969. But that doesn't mean it didn't exist before that time.

The five stages of grieve are a series of emotions a person experiences prior or after the death of a person/loved one. Wherein the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, eventually, acceptance. These emotions can occur in any order, if at all.

Bargaining

Scarlett was, of course, shocked after hearing about her mother's bad lungs. It was the whole reason for the family to move away from Birmingham in the first place. But after hearing that her mother's lungs had developed TB over a period of time, made her feel incredibly guilty. Even though her mother told her none of it was her fault – Scarlett couldn't help but blame herself in some way.

Did I not take good care of her?
What if we had done more check-ups with the doctors?
Should we have taken more risks and participated in that medical trial after all?
Did I do something wrong?
What did I do wrong?
Maybe they will find a cure in time?
Maybe it's not too late?

Still, no question got the answer she wanted. None of them gave her the answer she needed to feel better. And after a while, a long while, she was able to move through it by taking care of Elizabeth and making sure her mother was comfortable at all times. And after a while, she was starting to accept her mother's illness. But still, she would not lose hope. Unfortunately, there was none because a cure for TB would not be found until 1946.

Denial

Scarlett couldn't remember anything after the moment she found out her mother had died in her sleep. Nothing seemed real. Everything seemed so... hazy and felt like a nightmare. But real... no. It didn't feel real.

Opening her eyes Scarlett could see the late afternoon sunlight shining through her small bedroom window. Her head hurt, her throat was sore, her whole face felt raw and her eyes were swollen and stung like she had recently cried. Turning around, she was greeted by the very worried face belonging to Tommy Shelby. He was looking at his hands, not really noticing her slowly waking form. His peaky cap was placed on her nightstand and his eyes looked tired and red. Also it almost looked like he was battling tears constantly. It almost seemed weird. Tommy Shelby rarely cried.

"Hey," Scarlett said through a hoarse voice making Tommy look up at her. "Are you okay?"

Tommy almost seemed surprised to hear her ask such a question. "I'm... fine", he eventually answered after a long silence. "How are you?"

Scarlett didn't really know how to answer that question. "I'm... okay, I guess", she said. "I'm just really tired I don't really know why. But... I just had the weirdest dream". She hoisted herself up a bit so she was now leaning with her back against the headrest of her bed. "My mom... she died. I dreamt about being there in her room, falling asleep next to her and she just died". Scarlett let out a bitter laugh before looking back to Thomas. But he held no humor in his eyes. If anything, he seemed sad and concerned.

And then it hit her, like walking full force into a brick wall. Scarlett felt her insides crumble as her eyes filled with tears. It wasn't a dream she realized. None of it was. It was a very realistic nightmare. "No", she stuttered but Thomas wasn't able to give her the answer she wanted. Scarlett started to shake her head violently as her hands and shoulders shook. "No, no... please tell me it's not true, Tommy". But Thomas didn't say anything. "PLEASE!" she screamed. "Please tell me she's not dead! She can't be dead". Scarlett crumbled right then and there. Thomas collected her in his arms and tried to sooth her shaking form but he knew she wasn't going to calm down anytime soon. Scarlett's heart got ripped right out of her chest. It felt like being sucked into a giant, black whole where no happiness existed. She had no strength to push Thomas away from her and instead allowed him to keep her close and to curl his arms around her, holding her tight. If it wasn't for Thomas, his arms holding her together, Scarlett was sure she would fall to the ground in pieces.

It was a long couple of days. After crying hysterically in Thomas' arms, Scarlett had gone mute. She wouldn't speak to anyone. Whenever Ada or Polly came inside her room to feed her, she would allow them to put food into her mouth but never said a word. Scarlett was still hoping her door would open one day and her mother would walk in with her bright, red hair pinned into a bun and her signature smile across her face. But that would never happen.

But then the day of the funeral came around. Her brother had popped in the day before, his eyes rimmed with black circles and puffy from crying, telling her to be ready in the late morning for the funeral. Scarlett had nodded but still wouldn't talk.

Now, she was sitting in front of her vanity putting make-up on her face to at least attempt to hide her puffy, purple rimmed eyes and red streaked face. She also put some black mascara on her eyelashes and painted her lips red with lipstick. She was wearing a black dress that reached over her knees, black gloves, big sunglasses even though the sun barely got through in Birmingham this time of year and a whitely hat which hid her face behind a thin layer of gauze. Looking herself over in the mirror one last time, Scarlett eventually nodded her head in satisfaction. After all the crying she had done the past couple of days this was the best she could do, she realized.

A soft knock came from her door followed by the nob being turned. Her brother appeared in the doorway, his black suit fitting him perfectly as always. Scarlett couldn't help but smile, even though it was small, when she was suddenly reminded how incredibly handsome he looked in a suit. He held his peaky cap in his hand, the light inside her room reflecting from the small blades that were hidden there. Scarlett then realized that, in the past couple of days she had been completely absent, her brother and Thomas must have had a little chat. But knowing what was best, she would ignore it for now. Scarlett looked away from the cap and looked at her brother's face.

"Are you ready, Red?" he asked, his voice low and heavy inside the small room.

Scarlett took a deep breath and nodded her head. "As ready as I will ever be for my own mother's funeral", she said. The first words she had spoken in many days felt weird, her voice being raspy and tired. "Are you?"

Kenneth shrugged his shoulders. "You said it", he answered. He gave her a small, reassuring smile before offering her his arm which she took kindly. They walked out of the apartment together, their heads held high and backs straight like they had always been taught. Never let anybody see your weakness, never show them your vulnerability.

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A/N: another shorter chapter. Don't worry, the rest will soon follow. I needed to cut the chapter in two, again, because otherwise it would be simply too long. I want you guys to really take in the next couple of chapters since things are going to get really intense for the Wamsley siblings. Soon you will understand. I really hope you guys like the way I put the next couple of chapters together. Going trough grieve is something really intense. 2017 hasn't been the best year for me and I have seen a lot of pain this year. I really hope 2018 will be a better year!