When We Were Young » Thomas Shelby

chapter 16

Kenneth had found himself into his mother's bedroom soon after putting Scarlett to sleep. He just sat on the chair next to her bed, holding her small, thin hand between his big, heated palms trying not to wake her. He had been sitting there the entire night, not even surprised the sun was coming up behind the thin curtains than hung in front of the bedroom window. He was relieved to be in time but seeing his mother so sick and weak, slowly dying, hurt him. He hadn't been there when his family needed him and he realized that. He had been stupid and selfish and he would dedicate his life trying to make up for it.

There was a soft knock on the bedroom door, soon followed by the sound of shrieking hinges. Looking up, Kenneth softly smiled at his sister. Judging by her knotted hair and red eyes, she'd just woken up. He wasn't surprised that she checked up on their mother first thing in the morning.

"Have you been sitting here all night?" she asked him, those words being the first she said to him ever since he left them. Not even that morning had she spoken to him. She'd hugged him, cried in his arms and then decided on hitting him. Words hadn't been necessary because words wouldn't have been able to describe what they were feeling in that moment.

Kenneth nodded his head. "She hasn't woken up, though", he said. "How long has she been like this?"

Scarlett shrugged her shoulders and took a seat on the other side of their mother's bed, moving some hair out of her face which had gotten thinner Scarlett noticed. "A while", she said. "She collapsed the day after John's wedding. She's been in and out of consciousness. Polly and I have been trying to get her to eat but it's gotten more difficult each day. The coughing has gotten much worse. The doctor doesn't think she has much longer. He tried to make us move her to one of those sanctuaries where TB patients can die in piece. But I know mom would've wanted to die here - at home".

"You're right. And even if the doctor had been able to convince you, she wouldn't have allowed anyone to try and convince her. Mom is way too stubborn for that", Kenneth continued.

Scarlett felt a smile appear on her face, the first one in a long time. "Yes, you're right. At least we know she really is our mother then". Kenneth gave her a nod in agreement. As silence came over them, only the sound of their mother's heavy breathing filling the small bedroom, Scarlett felt the need to talk. Looking at her brother she held so many questions she needed answered. She knew that perhaps this wasn't the right moment to start asking them but she felt hurt and just for now she didn't want to think about what would happen when her mother would wake-up. And so she made a decision and opened her mouth.

"Why did you leave?" she asked him, her eyes resting on her brother's flat face; empty from any emotions.

Kenneth didn't want to answer that question right now. This really wasn't the right time and place but he knew his sister would start asking questions eventually. Yesterday she had been too worn out to do so but there was no doubt in his mind that if she had been able to, she would've. "I couldn't deal with it, Red", he softly answered, his voice much heavier than it had been the last time they'd seen each other. "I couldn't deal with my own loss, so how would I have been able to deal with yours and mom's as well? My father had died and he would never come back. He always told me to be the man of the family when he left but... when the time came I wasn't ready. I would be grieving my father but at the same time I had be head of the family; be strong, take care of everything. You know that wasn't me, Scarlett. Not then at least. I wasn't ready".