Hopeless

Chapter 3

The Rumors flew~ but no body knew how much she blamed herself~

You stared down at the bots on the street. You took another draw of the e-cig pulling it from your derma. You looked up to the sky allowing smoke from your systems and into the air.

You watched the pale grey cloud twist and fly away like a graceful dancer. Their grey armor shining in the low light.

You swung your stabilizers in the air as you sat in the window sill of your new home.

'You could jump.' A part of you purred, 'end your pitiful existence.'

You brought the bottle of high-grade to your derma and tilted your helm back taking in a large intake full.

'Pathetic.'

"I know." You vented softly staring down,

'Weak'

"I Know."

'Pitiful.'

"I KNow!"

'Wasted space.'

"I KNOW!"

You pressed your fist to either side of your helm.

"I know... you don't have to keep reminding me..." you sighed at the losing battle against your subconscious

'Hush, hun... shhhShhhShhh...' suddenly your subconscious was trying to calm you.

A small tiny piece of you anyway.

You placed the e-cig back into your intake and closed your optics.

Frag, what you would give to hold your mate against you right now...

You get readdicted to your drug.

To relish in the feeling of his love.

Of his scent.

The hum of his spark.

Him.

There was a loud click signaling your homes door was open. You looked blankly over your shoulder plate at the door was some officer types.

"Don't jump."

"Tch. Why shouldn't I?" You grunted

"You have so much to stay online for."

You lowered your brows, "cheesy, but lucky for you oh-so-pure-sparks I'm not gonna jump."

'Not yet anyway.'

"Could you please get out of your window then?"

You grunted, "Can't a femme enjoy the view from her home?" You rolled your optics, "You guys have already broken in before the cycle is over."

"We only-"

"-Care for me? Don't make me laugh." You drew in around vent of smoke, "Your just goodie two pedes trying to be a hero to a bot who doesn't need saving."

"We-"

"You just don't want my inner systems staining your porcelain streets. While you let other bots offline in way more painful methods just two miles from here."

"What?"

You hummed blowing out a pale grey cloud, "I'll be fine, focus on the majority and less on the minor bots like me."

After coaxing you from the window they left.

Left you to stew in the dangerous depths of your processor rocking in a leaking boat.

It was your hopeless suffering you forced yourself into.

No matter how hard you tried to heal, your past came around and reminded you of who you are.

Or at least were...

Frag you need a walk..

The neighborhood watch would probably report you for walking at suspicious hours of the night.

But who are you to care.

It was much cooler outside then the trapping walls of your new home.

It felt right to be out here.

The walkways were clear.

The roads all but barren with the occasional passing bot

But best of all.

It was silent.

It gave you a chance to mull it over.

All of it.

It gave you the chance to remember things in piece.

No bots to watch you.

No bots to judge you.

It was nice.

It was the one nice thing you had.

Mostly due to your heavy processor and broken spark.

You couldn't help but get the itching feeling on your spinal strut that you were being followed.

Though when you looked no one was there.

'Wow. Now your going insane, should have jumped when you had the chance.'

You rolled your optics at your own snide remark and continued to walk the feeling itching at your shoulder plate.

Feelings like this have happened to you before. You hypothesized that it was your spark missing something.

You heard it mentioned before as a ghost-touch.

You weren't one to believe in ghosts, but you couldn't deny the faint traces on your armor that you memorized as his.

The lingering tingle on the palm of your servo.

It was him.

Or maybe you were more grief stricken than you thought.