The Lovely Lie of "I'm Okay."

Him: Dissapointed

I knew she wouldn't want to eat but I didn't think she's try to fool me and try to purge herself in a public restroom. She thought she was sneaky but I know this behavior all too well. I know her too well:

I wanted to have a great day with her. Just wanted to be with her and her not have to think about anything besides having fun.

But she had to ruin it.

I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I don't know what to do. I want El to change but I didn't think it would bring back all these memories of Sapphire. I feel like I just stacked another block into the wheelbarrow of burdens I'm pushing around. Should I be getting myself involved with this kind of stuff again? What if I get hurt again?

I set back down with Debra and she give me a questioning look.

"El hasn't been feeling good the last few days, I should probably get her back home." I don't want to take her home but I'm so pissed.

I pull my wallet out of my pocket and go to pay when a soft hand pats mine.

"Oh don't even worry about it Noah, it's on the house. Only on one condition." She's got a sneaky grin on her face. "You cannot be a stranger anymore, understand? We miss having you around."

"I promise I'll come visit more often." I hate making promises because I'm scared I won't keep them. But I can make an effort to come once a week, that won't be a tough promise to keep.

Ella comes out of the restroom at that moment and has a blank face. It's scary how emotionless she can be.

"Come on Ella, lets head out of here" I say as I stand up to give Debra a hug. "Thank you, I promise to come out again soon."

I take Ella's hand and walk her out to the parking lot, letting go once we get to the vehicle. "What the fuck Ella." I can't contain my emotions.

She stands there, refusing to look at me. "Force of habit I guess?"

"Force of habit my ass. I am trying to help you get better. I'm trying to make sure you don't kill yourself. I have been trying my best to keep everything under control and not freak out but I can't do it anymore. Why do you do this? You realize you just did it in public right? Not even 40 feet from two sweet old people that I care about. You couldn't be considerate for once Ella? I was hoping we could have a nice date but you fucked it up. Why do you always have to purge and cut? You don't even realize what you're doing. You're fucking with everyone's lives and look, you can refuse to look at me all you want and not respond but I'm tired of this. I've been going through this shit way too long. Either you want to change or you don't. Your decision. But I will not have my entire world crushed again because of fucking self-harm, depression, and anxiety take any everyone I love. Now if you will get in the fucking car, I will either take you home or we can try to live the rest of the day. But if you make the wrong decision, everything will be fucked from here on. I am getting in the car and you can stand here and decide, but once you get in the vehicle you better have made your mind. Got it?"

Ella's jaw is on the floor and mine is clenched tight. I can't believe I said all that, but I get in the vehicle and refuse to look in the mirrors at her.

I hope she makes the right decision.