The Lovely Lie of "I'm Okay."

Her: "I'm Okay."

"So we skipped school today... to go to a park?" I question Noah. "We could've just went to the one in town instead of driving for hours."

Noah is silent as he slips out of the vehicle. I get out too and catch up to him. He doesn't stop or slow down for me, just shoves his hands in his pockets and walks toward the swings. I get out too, and follow him.

Noah sets down on a swing, looking down at his black converse. A blank face is all I can see, and I can't feel any sort of energy coming from him. I can tell he has so much going on in his head, but he's not going to let me in.

I inch closer to him, waiting for a response or some type of acknowledgment, but he remains still.

"Noah?" No response.

I move closer, eventually hovering over him, hoping he'd look up. But Noah continues staring down at his shoes. I can feel my heart pounding, panic flooding my thoughts. I don't like silence, silence means I start thinking too much. I don't know what to do. I don't want him getting angry, but I need to know whats on his mind.

I place my hand under his chin and tip his face up towards mine. "Please talk to me, Noah."

His eyes are filled with tears. "I'm okay."

My heart shatters in a billion pieces. I've uttered those words so many times. I know he's not okay. He's shutting down, putting up his walls.

"Please don't lie to me."

He took a deep breath and turned away from me. It looked like he was carrying the weight of the world. It's strange seeing him look so vulnerable and defeated. He's always so tough, maybe that's all an act.

"There was this girl... Sapphire. I was... in love with her."

I never knew he actually dated anyone. And him being in love? That's so surprising.

"She was my whole world. But she was hurting, like you. She couldn't handle her pain. She just kept hurting herself more." He kept rubbing his shaky hand through his hair. He was hurting. I can tell he doesn't want to talk about this.

"I couldn't take it anymore. I left her. She wouldn't change and I just couldn't handle seeing what she was doing to herself. So I left." His voice was trembling. I held his hand for support. I want Noah to know I'm here for him.

He looked up at me, his eyes full of tears. "She was... in an accident.... She died." Tears were flowing and I immediately latched to Noah. I couldn't handle seeing him hurt. "It's all my fault... If I would've stayed maybe she wouldn't have been in the accident. Maybe I could've fixed her... Maybe she'd still be here. It's my fault. It's my fault."

"No Noah it's not your fault. Please believe me. I promise you it's not your fault. You can't fix everyone. It's just going to continue tearing you down if you keep telling yourself this. Please Noah I promise you it's not your fault." I'm begging him.

He's hurting so much and I couldn't even see it. He's always been strong because he feels like he has to. No wonder he's here with me, he doesn't want me to end up in the same situation. I can't let that happen, it'll kill him. He can't go through this again.

I tell him again. "I promise you Noah, it's not your fault, and you'll never ever have to feel this same pain ever again."

I don't know how I am going to change my situation. How am I just going to stop what I have been doing since Mom passed. I barely even know Noah. I just actually met him. I don't know hardly anything about his personal life. 

How did I just let him walk in and completely throw my life into shambles. I had my life under control. I was able to handle my problems and no one knew. Why did I have to leave class that day to cut? Why couldn't I just ignore Terri until I got home that night and dealt with my problems then. I screwed up so bad. If I wouldn't have been there in that moment, Noah wouldn't have caught me. 

But maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe we both need saving. But how can two damaged souls heal each other?