The Lovely Lie of "I'm Okay."

Her: Cosine. Cut. Caught.

I stare at the board and take notes in sixth period geometry. My eyes glance down at my pencil that's gliding away on the paper taking down everything Mrs. Solar writes even though my mind is in a totally different place. I've learned how to perfect this skill, acting like I'm listening and moving right along with the lessons. I've somehow managed to keep a solid B in this class even though I don't have a single clue of what I'm doing.

"Miss Sommer, what would be the best formula to use to solve for the missing side of this right triangle?"

Shoot. Maybe I should be listening better. I focus in on the bored and glance to my notes. Two degrees are shown and only one side is shown. "You'd use cosine which is adjacent over opposite." I slightly smile at her, praying I got it correct.

"Very good." She directs her eyes to the board, but I can feel many stares coming from all sides. Setting on the second to last row, against the wall seemed like a good idea in September on the first day of school, but now I'm not so sure.

I look up and blood rushes to my cheeks. Terri Faye smirks at me and I see nothing but evil in her eyes. Two of the wannabe clan members direct their attention towards me and draw their eyes down, glaring "You're such a nerd. " I wince at Terri's words, but only on the inside. I can't let her think her words bother me. She flips her fiery red hair over her shoulder and faces the board again. The minions glare for a few seconds longer, roll their eyes, and turn back to their phones.

My mind is running a hundred miles an hour. I look calm from the outside but I swear there's a tornado tearing my entire being apart. I knew I was smart. Smarter than most people. But anymore, academics don't matter to me. My mind was too occupied with thoughts of my mother, or of ways I could end my own life. I'm too chicken to try it though.

I wait until Mrs. Solar is done with the lesson before I reach into my bag, checking my surroundings to make sure no one sees me slip the silver blade into my pocket. Of course, no one is looking, and I know I have plenty of time since Mrs. Solar always ends the lesson with twenty minutes to spare. I go around from the back of the room to her desk to avoid Terri at all costs. Taking the bathroom pass, I walk out and head to my usual hiding spot.

I found the spot a freshman year, it being used for me to set and read during my free period and lunch so I wouldn't be called a nerd as much. I had tried staying in the library, but Terri and her whole clan came in to ridicule me. Pulling hair, spitting, and stomping my glasses into the ground. That day I vowed to change my outward appearance. I refused to have the nerd image, but my personality stayed the same.

My back slides down the wall and I lose all of my composure. Pools of tears spill down my cheeks and I pull the blade out of my pocket. Pulling my sleeve up, I press the metal to my wrist and swipe. A poem fills my head.

"She paints a lovely picture, but this story has a twist. Her paintbrush is a razor and her canvas is her wrist." 

I silently watch my skin split and the warm, crimson substance rise to the surface. 

One. Two. Three. Four.

 Cold water meets the warm blood when my tears stream down and drip to my wrists, thinning the stain making it spread.

"What are you doing?"