From the start

Chapter 12

A/N: Just hit a hundred votes so

In celebration here's the chapter in Kirstie's point of view as promised. The next chapter after this will be in Avi's point of view and then I think I'll be staying mostly in Avi's point of view for the rest of the story.

Don't cry Kirstie, don't cry. I try to take deep breaths but I can barely manage tiny gasps of air. Not only did I just admit to Avi that I liked him, I kissed him. Did I not think about Matt at all? My head's aching and my hands are trembling and I feel sick. I should be happy and excited. I should be celebrating with my best friends and my boyfriend not sitting on my own in my dressing room crying. I don't even know what I'm most upset about. That I kissed someone else or that that someone else was Avi who I've had a crush on since pretty much the first time we spoke.

As much as I hate myself, a little part of me feels happy when I think back to how good it felt to kiss him. How he could be so sweet and gentle as well as passionate. That feeling of giddiness that wasn't just down to being spun around. I felt that way when Matt kissed me too. Sometimes. Mostly it just felt nice. Safe. Maybe I was just getting used to it though. I've only kissed Avi a couple of times so the novelty hasn't worn off yet. My breathing's slowed down when there's a knock on the door. "Kirstie. You in there?" It's Scott. I move in front of the mirror and wipe my eyes trying not to smudge my already less than perfect eye make-up. I take one last deep breath and open the door, see him smile at me and burst into tears.

About five minutes later we're curled up on the floor with his arms around me and my head on his chest. I've choked out most of what happened in between loud sobs and he's just been stroking my hair and telling me that it'll be ok. I take a breath and then burst into a fresh round of tears. "I've never cheated on anyone before." I sniff loudly and Scott kisses my head "It was just a kiss Kirst. It doesn't need to be a big deal. You guys know that it can't happen again." I nuzzle deeper into his chest. "I'm a bad person."
"Kirstie you both made a mistake, it doesn't mean you're bad people. Are you going to tell Matt?"

"I don't know. I know I should but it's Avi. It's not like it's just some random guy who I can just never see again." "You think Matt'll worry?" I sit up and turn to face him "Well wouldn't you? Do you think he's going to tell Jess?"
He shrugs "I have no idea. Maybe it's best if you just forget it ever happened."

He's probably right. I feel really horribly guilty but I don't want to ruin things for Matt and me, or for Avi and Jess. The weird little pang of jealousy I used to get a few weeks ago comes back for a moment when I think of them together. Scott must see on my face that something's wrong because he stands up and pulls me into a hug. "We should be celebrating Kirst."

We walk out of my dressing room with his arm around me. As soon as we get back to everyone else (it's been like half an hour I have no idea why they're here. Perhaps they were waiting for us) he bounds off towards Mitch and they both start squealing again. I'm so glad I've got them to make me smile. I'm pulled into a hug by Kevin who then attempts to follow it up with an unnecessarily complicated handshake that has everyone around us laughing. I get ambushed in a group hug by all the girls and then Matt runs up to me. "Hey gorgeous. Congratulations." He pulls me into a tight hug and I relish the feeling of being in his arms.

Because Matt is great. He's really great. Maybe I don't like him in exactly the same way I like Avi but I do like him, a lot. Liking Avi makes me scared and uncomfortable and desperate and stupid and I know I'm not ready for that. Matt is definitely not a consolation prize. He's sweet and smart and funny and hot so when he leans in to kiss me, I kiss him back ignoring the feelings of guilt in my stomach. When we break apart he smiles at me and moves his hand to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear. "You'll probably want to celebrate with the guys for a bit. I'll come by your room later okay." I smile back at him and lean up to peck him on the lips.

The rest of the night is a whirlwind of colour and excitement and people asking me questions and hugging my family and Mitch and Scott's families and hugging Kevin and the other groups and just everyone who isn't Avi. After a while I start to feel a lot less sad. I can get over Avi. I have Matt and I have this. My friends and my family and a million exciting new opportunities. So it doesn't hurt so much as it used to when I see Avi kissing Jess. She leaves and he walks over to us. Mitch jumps up and down and forces us all into a group hug, pulling me in between him and Kevin so that Avi ends up squished between him and Scott.

Later when I'm lying on my own in my room (I got Matt to leave. I need my sleep) I find myself thinking through my feelings for Avi. I justify it by telling myself that maybe if I analyse it a little it'll help me get over it. The first time I met him I obviously noticed he was cute but I didn't really find him attractive until I heard his voice. I guess we flirted quite a lot in that first week. It was obvious he thought I was too young for him. I mean it's only three years but whatever. The only time I really tried to make my feelings for him obvious we got interrupted before anything could happen and then he just avoided me.

Which really hurt. After that things kind of cooled down between us. We were firmly just friends. Well until that kiss. Remembering the feeling of his lips on mine and the way he pushed me against the wall like he was desperate to be as close to me as possible makes my face heat up and butterflies fill my stomach. I didn't think it would happen again. I had Matt who was wonderful and he had Jess who was everything I wasn't. She was older than me and smarter than me and way prettier than me. But he still kissed me today. And it seemed like he wanted to go further.

And he told me he liked me. From the first time we met. In spite of everything I start grinning. Alone in my room, I start smiling. I know that I'm with Matt and he's with Jess but somehow the fact that my feelings towards him aren't totally unrequited makes me feel a whole lot better. I know how he feels and I know how I feel and the fact that I won't be spending years wondering whether I should have told him makes me feel better.

Which is good. Since we're going to be in this group together for however long. We won, we actually won. I want to jump up and down and scream at the top of my voice. Mostly though I want to have someone else to get over excited with. I get out of bed and pull on the hoodie Matt lent me over my tank top. I'm just grabbing my phone and my room key when there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me." I open the door and smile "I was just about to come to your room!"