A Moment in the Crowd

Chapter 46: Insanity

Harry:

"No. No, Harry look I'm done. I don't know what this was, but I don't want it anymore. You've been an inspiration to me for so long, but I think you should just stay the way you were. An unreachable person, because even if we did try to work something out, you would be just that. Unreachable. I can't handle it, and I don't want to be constantly questioned by my grandparents over a Christmas dinner as to why I was on the gossip channels on TV. I just can't Harry, I'm sorry."

I think the words literally break my heart because I can't manage a breath. I try to, but even as I suck in air, it doesn't seem to reach my lungs. I knew I had fucked up by leaving just like that, but I hadn't known how terribly she would take it. I can't feel the beating of my heart anymore, it's as if I'm numb from the sound of her words. But she's gone, and yet I still try to speak into the phone.

"Lily, Lily wait. Lily?" 

The call ended long before I spoke into it, and now I can't even see the room in front of me. My parents' house is small for the standards I've been used to over the past few years, but it remains my home. My old room is teasing me with the innocence of a childhood, and I can't even believe that my eyes are beginning to water.

"I quit." I tell the empty room. "I quit it."

I rush to my suitcase, begin throwing in all of my clothes into a messy pile, and shove anything I can remember bringing on this trip back into it. I've gotten dressed and gathered all of my things by the time I make my way into the living room where my mum, Gemma and Robin sit watching the television screen.

"Where are you off to?" Gemma eyes me up and down, and I look at her now platinum blonde hair.

"Toronto." I say flatly and they all give each other a shared confused look.

"Why?" Gemma laughs and the frantic beating from Lily's phonecall still hasn't ceased my heart.

"To visit a friend." I try to say as casually as I can but I know that my mum sees right through the facade.

"Be safe Harry." Is all she says, and gives me a tight hug before allowing me to rush out on their holiday.

I don't know what I'm doing, all I know is that I have to do it. There is no in between with Lily. There is no light relationship that may or may not mean something. There's only her, and what she can do to me without even realizing it. I know she felt it too, she has to. It's not a choice as to whether you feel these things or not. It's just what happens. I don't care that she's not a celebrity, I don't care that she hasn't got money, I don't care about anything, all I care is that she's her. Lily. I can't even accept for a moment that we may not end up together.

She will see. I know she will.

-

The plane tickets, the airport, the few fans that I meet along the way, all pass in a sort of blurr. I can't risk a commercial flight, so I get a private jet to take me to Toronto on short notice. The quiet and empty jet is filled with my own thoughts, and I'm forgetful that the flight is supposed to be long. Somehow it passes quicker than I intended it to. I was supposed to sort my head out, to figure out what I'd say, what I'd do, what I should be doing.

It's been at least 24 hours since the phonecall with Lily. After all the travelling, the zero hours of sleep, the pounding headache that I can't seem to rid myself of, I walk off the steps of the jet to be welcomed with a chill so strong I can barely suck in a breath.

The pain of the frosting Canadian weather is short lived as I step into a black SUV that will undoubtedly take me wherever I need to be taken. The driver asks from his seat where he should head, and I tell him Lily's address. I can't help it. It's the only one I really know at this point.

My mind is still fuzzy from the headache and lack of sleep in 24 hours, but I can't stop myself from racing thoughts. I haven't stopped to recognize what I've been doing in so long, and only now does the last few hours hit me. What will Lily think of me showing up like this? It's been a day that I haven't contacted her, and a day that she hasn't contacted me. Should I text her and let her know I'm coming?

"We're here." The driver says and I notice that he's right. We're sitting in the driveway of the small and quaint home that I showed up at so many months before.

"Just wait here?" I ask the driver and he nods casually.

I make my way to the front steps and brace myself for whoever will answer the door.

"Someone get the door!" I hear a muffled shout from inside the house, but I don't recognize it to be Lily's soft tone.

When it swings open, I am greeted with the face of a woman, Lily's mother.

"Oh my gosh." She says and covers her mouth while ushering me quickly inside.

"Is there anything I can get you to drink Harry?" She asks me, and in my stunned present state, I shake my head politely before answering her.

"No, thank you though." I find my voice saying, strained and as tired as I feel.

She leads me inside and I don't think to take off my shoes or my coat, and I simply follow her into the kitchen.

"No problem, what brings you here?" She asks me as she begins making a warm cup of something anyway. I see Lily's older sister, Rose I think her name was, sitting in front of the TV as I walk into the kitchen.

"Holy shit." I hear her mutter under her breath and watch me as I stand in the kitchen with her mum.

"And she said he wasn't her boyfriend." Rose rolls her eyes and makes her way upstairs, hopefully to grab Lily, I find myself thinking.

"I needed to speak with Lily." I answer Mrs. Delcourt's previous question with a slight hitch and panic in my voice. She clearly catches on.

There's an awkward tension in the air, and I get the sense that I'm missing something completely.

"Well... yes, I assumed as much. The thing is - " She trails off and I'm left hanging, afraid to urge the words out of her.

"Lily isn't exactly here right now." She tells me, and I sort of relax at the relief. Wherever she is, I'll go there.

"Where is she?" I ask, and Mrs. Delcourt turns to take care of the kettle that's begun to ring out in a high pitched squeal.

"She's... well she left yesterday. Something happened, she wouldn't say what. She used a lot of her saved up money, rented a car, and just told me she was going to drive. She said she'd be back before school started up again, and I figure since it's her 18th birthday soon, she should have the right to choose what to do. As much as it worries me, she seemed like she had to do it."

Lily's mother explains it all to me and I'm left standing in the kitchen of the girl I love, without her.

"Shouldn't she tell you where she is?" I ask frantically, feeling the pieces of the puzzle that I cling to are slowly slipping through my fingertips.

"Yes, she texts me what highway she's on but that's about it. Harry I don't think you should follow her." 

"With all due respect Mrs. Delcourt, I have to." 

I turn, quickly excusing myself for the intrusions, and make my way back out of the front door, and into the harsh cold. I quickly rush into the waiting, and warmer, SUV.