Midnight Thoughts

I am not.

"Are you okay?" Someone asked her.
"Yea sure i am." She smiled brightly.. or should we say she FAKED a bright smile?
She kept thinking... being lost in her own world again remembering how depressing it is.
How depressing it is to have no one.
How depressing it is to feel so numb and no one notice.
When she let all of her sadness out she found care and everyone was calling her and sitting with her not talking but just sitting with her looking at her numb figure.
But the funny part is.. she felt guilty making the ones she cares about feel so bad for her being depressed like that so she decided she will stop.. stop being depressed thats enough. But only infront of them not in reality. And what is funnier than that.. that they believed.
They believed she is okay.. they believed she got over her depression.. they believed that she became happy again.
They didn't know that she still cried but the only difference is that she is not crying infront of them anymore but alone at night in her bed.
They didn't know she was still suffering this heart ache that hurts so bad that make her breathe hard.
They didn't know that the battle between her and suicidal thoughts is so hard that she already gave up and suicidal thoughts became an essential part of her daily routine.
No one noticed her sadness, her depression, her suffering, her numbness.
They don't see whats inside of you...
They won't. And she keeps asking her self.. why? Why her? Why her have to do go through this?
Its so crazy that you can be so depressed and no one around you notices.. not your parents, your siblings, your friends, your classmates, your teachers, no one.
Like you can be on the verge of tears, drowning and everyone is totally oblivious.
She decided that its okay.. she was always alone anyways.
And she cursed at herself for thinking that they do notice her suffer and they do care for her. Maybe the sudden care got her expectations so high.
She hated herself for crying so much while standing infront of her mirror begging herself to stop but couldn't.
She hated herself for the high expectations.
She hated herself.
she decided to sit there with the pain breaks inside of her. Faking smiles and forcing laughs as she always does.
"Yes this is better" she whispered to herself while crying and sobbing endlessly in front of her mirror.
"Yea probably better." She whispered again and threw herself at her bed.