So I'd like to start by saying sorry for my on/off activity. High schools been pretty busy, and I never know when I'll have time to write and when I won't. I've got an extremely busy schedule for January with a lot of cheer competitions, showcases, basketball games to cheer at, and preparing for Nationals at Disney(which is in the beginning of February). On top of that, the school semester is coming to an end so I'll probably have a lot of school work. I'll try to find time to write, but it will probably be hard so just bare with me.
Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to do a quick reflection on 2017. I try to have as few authors notes and extra chapters as possible in this book, but I wanted to be able to put this somewhere in writing because... well, I just did. You don't have to read if you don't want to, but I'm still going to post because wattpad is kind of my safe space and whenever I want to say something, I put it here.
2017 has been both a great and horrible year for me. I've grown a lot as a person and also learned some things that I didn't want to. I've also lost a lot of things and people that were important to me and had to accept some things that I didn't want to.
I'm going to start with a few of the lowlights because I need to get them off of my chest. The first thing that came to mind was the loss of a great friend of mine who passed away from cancer. She was someone who I was extremely close to and who I could always go to for help or comfort, so losing her was extremely damaging. The news had hit me like a brick and I had to take a few days off of school because I just couldn't deal with it at the time. It took me a few months to cope with the fact that she was gone, but I'd like to think I'm better now. There are still times when I miss her, but I've accepted that there's nothing I can do about it and I know that she wouldn't want me to me missing out on my life because I'm too busy mourning what I can't change.
I'd also grown apart from one of my closest friends throughout the beginning of high school. And I've been thinking a lot about that one specific low light because I think it's one piece of evidence of how much has changed since last year. Now before I go into my way-too-deep analysis on this, I'd like to note the fact that I'm hard to be friends with. It's not because I don't want to be friends or because I'm mean or selfish, but I can be annoying and loud and I take a lot of effort. I take a lot of reassurance because I'm usually extremely self conscious and I take a lot of time. I'm also usually pretty hard to understand and it's hard to relate to me, and in general I'm just a handful. And I don't say that to put myself down, but I can't ignore that it's true and I know that that's why a lot of people don't bother to put in the effort it takes to be friends with me.
Now that that's said, I'd like to explain why this hurt so much. I'm usually pretty good at making friends. However, I've never really been very good at keeping them. I've also never been anyone's first choice in friends. I've known that for awhile and I've accepted it, but it still hurts. But then I met this girl and we grew so close. We did almost everything together and her house practically became my safe place. I was absolutely elated when I found that she was going to the same high school as me. Throughout the first few weeks, we still talked a bit, but not very much. She and I became friends with different people, and the only class we shared was homeroom. Nowadays, we barely even say hi to each other when we pass by each other in the halls. For the first few weeks, I tried to keep her in my life. I really did. But there's a fine line between putting in the effort and forcing someone to be friends with you when they don't want to be. And from what I saw, she'd moved on from day one. And I came to realize, looking back on a few occasions, that someone who I thought would always be by my side was really just waiting for the chance to slowly get rid of me. And if my own best friend couldn't put up with me, who would? It hurt because she was the only person who I thought would actually put up with me. She was the only person who convinced me that maybe there really would be people who love me and generally care about me. And then she was gone, and all I could think about was that not even she could stay(dang I'm getting angsty.)
