Night Changes// L.T AU

Chapter 8- moving on

*** this my second day off, snow days r great!!!

Dinner surprisingly went well, we were all talking and laughing. Louis got along really well with everyone which made me very happy. They seem to like him, he honestly clicked quicker with them than Jake. I'm not sure if that means anything. I can't deny that I feel like I'm falling for Louis, and I'm sure he feels the same way. I guess we'll see where this takes us. Could there be something serious between us, definitely. We get along really well. If something starts, I won't try to stop it. Who knows how far this relationship will go. Louis stayed till around 10:30, I tried to make him stay longer, but he insisted on leaving.

I was extremely tired after such a long day, but I found myself tossing and turning all night, wishing Louis was next to me. I feel safe with him, a feeling I can't describe. A feeling that makes me secure and happy. I'm still confused with my feelings, and I'm trying to understand them myself.

I need time to sort myself out. I'm not ready yet. I still feel like I have to talk to Jake, we simply can't just end here. I need closure, I need to know this is what he wants. I know he still cares, but not like he used to and that breaks my fucking heart, but there's nothing I can do about it. We both need time and I'm going to give it to him. If he's ready to talk, he can always call me. I'll give him a ring when I'm ready. The question is, would I drop Louis and run back to Jake. The simple answer would've been yes, but now I'm not so sure, I could do that. I would never want to hurt Louis, like how Jake hurt me. I just have to give it time and hopefully everything will figure itself out, I could only hope. I'm scared, but I have to be strong. I don't want to worry anyone, I hate drawing attention to myself. I just need everyone to trust me in my decisions, I'll make them as logical as I can. I have to do what's best for me. I'm not even sure what they are yet, I'll figure it out, I promise.

My thoughts were everywhere, as I got myself out of bed. They just made me want to lay in bed longer, but I knew I couldn't do that, or my thoughts would consume me. I don't really need that. I'm putting myself together really well at the moment, and I don't want to go backwards.

My dad was at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, but looked up when he saw me.

"Good morning sweetheart, how did you sleep," he asked.

"Surprisingly pretty well, what about you," I replied.

"I slept alright, I was just thinking too much," he answered.

The truth is, I've been thinking quite a bit too, but nobody would understand what I'm feeling, so I'll just keep it to myself. I'm going fucking crazy to be completely honest with you. It feels like a nightmare, but I know damn well it's not.

With these thoughts in my head, I robotically put a bagel in the toaster and warmed my coffee up in the microwave. The door to the bathroom opens and my mom steps out with a towel in her hair.

"Hi mom," I say softly.

"Good morning honey," she says walking over to me, she engulfs me in a hug. I wrap my arm around her tightly as if my life depended on it, she starts to comb my hair with her fingers, which honestly just makes me want to burst out crying. I know everyone in my family pities me right now, and I don't know I always feel like I'm about to cry. I'm so delicate and fragile, I hate being so broken. I could hug my mom forever, her embrace just makes me feel like everything's going to be okay. A hopeful feeling. I let go of her once the toaster goes off, indicating my bagel is done. I turn around and carefully take it out. I grab the cream cheese container and start to spread it across my bagel. My mom opens the microwave and takes out my coffee, she gently places it on the table. I thank her, as I finish with my bagel.

I take a seat at the table, my thoughts becoming clouded. My dad stands up and walks away from the table. I love him, but I honestly just want to be alone, so I'm happy he left. I like to eat breakfast by myself. I love my family and I'm so grateful for everything they've done for me, but I need to figure this out myself.

I take small bites and occasional sips of my coffee, until they are both gone. I toss the plate and green seven-eleven cup. I go upstairs to pick out clothes for the day, I stare at my bed for a good five minutes, debating if I should go back in or not. I decide against it. I take out grey sweatpants, a white sweater, and fuzzy socks. I plop back down the stairs.

My mom finishes up in the bathroom as I make my way into it. I undress myself and turn the shower on not bothering to check the temperature. My mom was just in so I was sure it would be okay. The water was warm, it warmed up my freezing body. I miss the warmth he used to give me, I need to stop thinking of him. He's gone forever, he's not my future. I need a new future, without Jake. Maybe with Louis. I cleansed my body like 10 times, I'm not sure exactly why, but I wanted to feel clean. Get Jake off of me. Put all his love down the drain, like what he did to me.

****so my birthday was yesterday, so that was cool, I have no idea where I'm going with this book help****