My Dysfunctional Teenage Life

Chapter 6

I don't believe it.My mum would never do drugs.I am completely unable to move or do anything. I just stare as my mum takes her dose.Unwelcome tears fill my eyes.I can't stop them.What had just happened? No this can't be true.This isn't true.I am just dreaming. That's not my life . It's a living hell.The picture of my mum doing drugs just keeps repeating in my head.I am shocked.Normally I would  stand up and scream at her and start a fight   in the middle of the street but not today.I am just watching. Like a zombie . The only thing that shows the mixture of the emotions I keep inside of me is those tears.Those fucking tears just won't stop coming.I watch  my mum taking her dose eating a bit of honey , which that strange man gave her, and heading back to that bar.But who is that man? I have never seen him around so he can't be any family friend.He's her drug dealer .. I finally get it.That's what he is.But how can she even afford to buy drugs?How can she do that? We haven't eaten a proper meal for a couple of months, we have dozens of unpaid bills and I don't even have normal clothes to wear to school but here she is doing drugs.So she can find money for her  bloody heroine but she can't find money to pay our rent? How can she be so selfish? I hate her . That's the emotion that I have been looking for.Hate.I feel so much hate towards that woman that I can't even express it with words .I have never known what hate feels like until now . It's stronger that happiness, jealousy, sadness, disappointment. .It's even worse than love. Hate conquers everything. This is too much for me.I have a strong headache that I haven't even noticed.All those thoughts and realisations have made me face a reality that I'm not ready to deal with? Or am I? I don't even know . What's going to be my life from now on? How can I ever look in that woman's eyes again? I can't even call her my mum. She's's not my mum.My mum died that Friday evening at our old house . How fucked up she is?Am I going to be like her? Hell no! I will never be like her .Like ever.So what do I do now? Because if I just stay a bit longer with my thoughts I will pass out. So I have a hell lot of problems to deal with from now on.First of all how do I get home? Home? What home? My home was that sweet villa where I spent most of my childhood. Not this fucked up house which reminds me more of a basement than a house . I hate it.I hate it because it reminds me of her.It just as fucked up as she is.

Well, now I am in the middle of a dillema.I can either walk to my  house all alone in the dark..No that I am afraid that something could happen to me . After what I saw tonight nothing can scare me anymore.Or I could wait until 5am when buses begin to work again.I 'll go with option two.I need some time to thing.This is big for me.Even bigger than I imagined.But what did I expect coming here? See my mother working? Oh please I know her better than that.I have known from the very beginning that she was lying about that whole night shift working.I hate her so much.So fucking much.My emotions are so high that if I was a volcano I would be  exploding right now.I am not gonna cry again.I pull my unwelcomed tears back.I am not going to cry for that woman.She doesn't deserve it.She doesn't deserve me either.I am strong enough. I can get through all of this alone.I always did. Realisation hits me in the head like a  a brick.Who am I kidding? I have no one except that woman who I totally hate No wait I have my dad.No you don't. He doesn't care for you.He abandoned you.My subconscious reminds me but I try do ignore her.Just as I am about to start thinking about my dad I see the lights of the  bus and I am so relieved it arrived. I leave out a breathe I didn't know I was holding.The drive back is quicker that I thought.By the time I   arrive home it is about 6 am.So I have to be up in about an hour in order to go to school and I still don't know what to do . I'm so tired and devastated that I can't think clearly.My steps guide me to my room and I immediately fall asleep.

Suddenly I hear my annoying alarm ringing and I want to smash it on the floor for waking me up . It's only 7.30am which leads me to the conclusion that I only slept an hour and a half. My eyes are burning and my head is killing me.As the illusion of my mother taking heroine strikes again I jump out of the bed and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. The thought of not going school today sounded very appealing  three minutes ago but if I stay here I'll have to face her, for which actually I am not ready.So I'd rather spend 7 hours at school than 3 hours with her . I get dressed up really quick, practically wearing whatever I find first and walk out of the apartment.

The walk to the school is short and my headphones keep me preoccupied.I relax listening my favourite bands and singers. I really love Bruno.He's like the best.

As I walk to the class all the boys stare at me.

"Wow you look stunning today Joann"Jake says with great sarcasm and all the boys laugh at his stupid joke

"Thanks "I reply harshly

"And your hair is so..so. clean " Justin continues Jake's joke, and all the boys burst into laugh again

"Go to hell" I answer and walk directly to my desc to find a worried Melissa staring at me.

"What was that?"Her tone is so worried.

"Oh, that? You know typical boys.They are assholes.."I try to stay calm

"No not that.Who cares about the boys? They are...you know..boys.I am talking about you.." She softly corrects herself

"What about me?"My annoyance is clear in my voice

"You look em..."I don't let her finish her sentence. ."How do I look today"I am trying to calm myself and she's no t helping..

"I mean different. .I am sorry I didn't mean to insult you.."She kindly tells me

She's so sweet.I shouldn't be pissed off on her . She's not to blame for my miserable life.

"I am sorry for acting strange.I just am.. ..let's just say I had a difficult night"I am much calmer now

"What's going on"She impatiently asks

"I'll tell you after class"I reply and the professor walks in.