Heartbreak Hotel • jb( EDITING)

June 13, 1999

Patrick left the state with his dear mother.

Mexico.

He promised to write letters and try to call me as much as possible. I never gave him the answer he was looking for that day nor did I give the answer he wasn't looking for.

It wasn't an easy thing for me to process. He was like a brother to me. I don't have undying love for him to confess, as much as he claims he does for me.

He told me it was okay, I didn't have to decide then but he would hang on as long as it takes for me to realize that he's the one.

Maybe he's the one.

I didn't object to anything, too shocked to comprehend that the guy I shared everything with, and was the brother I never had, turned out to catch feelings.

Catching feelings are great, usually when both partners catch feelings. However, in my case, it's one-sided. I didn't ask for this, hell,  I didn't even see it coming. We were so cool and chill in college we fucked with anyone without ever showing signs of jealousy.

He's really good at hiding, I'm sure now.

I didn't love Patrick. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would stop me from feeling lonely.

Maybe it could stop me from opening my heart and trusting someone who may or may not break me. And maybe, just maybe I can be happy.

I knew Patrick for too long to know that he wouldn't dare break my heart. Why take risks when you can be safe and love back a person who's head over heels for you?

I never felt any sparks with Patrick, well at least that's what the movies say you're supposed to feel when you're with the one you are destined to be with.

I didn't love him and I didn't want to force my myself to love him. I need to let him know.

I sprint towards my kitchen counter where two three letters already lay untouched and unopened.  I wasn't going to work today, I had Karen inform Justin so he knew.

How did he even have time to write these letters? He's only been gone for three days. I wanted to open them but every time I just feel guilty. Guilty that I'm leading him on.
Guilty that I didn't tell him right there I don't love him.

The few weeks I have to myself, I need to come up with something to let him know this will never work.

He confessed his love and said that reuniting was a sign, but how ironic he left a couple days after to Mexico. He promised me many things on the phone that one shouldn't promise. I take my promises very seriously.

He told me he would be back to reclaim our love, and that it was only a short amount of time he would be in Mexico with his mother.

My head turned sharply towards the door as I heard the bell.

I walk to the door as I look through the hole.
It was Jenna. What did she want?

I slide the door open as a smile falls on her face. It was fake.

" Hey! What are you doing here?" I ask.

" I can't visit a friend ?" She says as she glares at me in a jokingly way.

" ha-ha, what brings you here?" I ask.