How I Really Feel

Frustration

Everything's just so frustrating.

This is one of those days wherein you feel so annoyed and all your feelings are bottled up inside and . . . I can't explain.

I feel like destroying a whole room just to let all the anger out and I can't express myself because if I do express myself I feel like the only way I can do it is to scream and get angry and cry at the same time. So it's so hard to find a way to let all my feelings out. A lot of times I wish I had a room with white walls and a white floor. I wish I could just go into that room and paint. Not really paint anything just, you know let loose. Do whatever I want.

Actually last year, I don't know why I did it, I self harmed, but I didn't cut. I called it "scratch" I would usually do it on my upper arm so no one could see. I'd take a sharp object and press it against my skin to the point where it would leave a mark but not penetrate my skin to the point that I would bleed.

It's like I want to cry right now, but I can't cause I'm in a room along with my older sister. That reminds me:
This morning I was ready for school at 6:20 am so when I got down I saw my sister, Abby, on her phone so I thought I would just wait for her. By 6:40 she was still on her phone so I decided to heat up some pizza and eat it. By 6:50 I finished the pizza and brushed my teeth. So by 6:57 my sister got up and said "OMG IT'S 6:57 WE HAVE TO GO". So when we got into our car my sister started shouting at me and saying that it was my fault we were running late. So then I explained to her that I was ready before 6:30 and that it was her fault cause she was on her phone. Then she slapped me and I told her to stop, then she slapped me again. I told her to listen to me so that I could explain how it isn't my fault. But then she decided to be a fucking brat and say gibberish while I was explaining. So I slapped her leg and she looked at me with this horrified face and screamed "DON'T SLAP ME YOU'RE DISGUSTING" so I said "Oh so you can slap me but I can't slap you" she said "OBVIOUSLY YES". And while I was ranting about her thinking she could do anything cause she's older our driver decided to tell us to stop or else he would tell our parents.

Yesterday my mom told me that in the morning while she was in the car with my dad he got angry all the sudden and he tried to punch her and said many things like "those kids don't love me" and "You don't have any right to tell me what to do I'm the man here"
Honestly I don't like my dad because it's so hard to be with him. He's actually a great lawyer but he always drinks so he's always drunk. Everything he tells us to do we must do unless we want to be shouted at.

Last school year my dad asked for a hug one night so I hugged him but then he asked for a kiss so I said "no you're sweaty" and then I went back to the playroom. And then he looked at me with an angry face, like extremely angry. And then he said "you son of a bitch get your ass here" so I went to him. He slapped me and I didn't react so he said "I could hit you many times cause you don't even feel it" and then he said "i'm not gonna pay for your acting bullshit you're horrible at acting anyway". I really love acting I already said that before. Then he said "good luck getting to school tomorrow, I'm letting your sister Abby use the driver but you no." And then the next morning I said "Hi papa" and he ignored me after five minutes he says "How are you getting to school?" So I said "I thought you just said that cause you were drunk" he said "what do you mean I said that cause I was drunk, I meant every word" I started to cry silently ans I was about to go upstairs to ask my mom for a ride to school. All the sudden my dad says "why are you still here? Go use the driver. Leave" I said "thank you papa" I think he said something else but I already ran out the door to our car. That night I went to my room early cause I didn' want to see him. But then he came in and said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I got you BBQ"

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This is more of a rant page but eh.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm right here. 😊