How I Really Feel

mental illnesses

been a while huh?

a lot has happened since the last time I logged in here. so let's start in july 2019.

school started around july and about 2 weeks in I started having difficulty in breathing. it's not sudden shortness of breath it's something is pushing down on my throat and chest and I constantly have a hard time breathing. for a whole week I came home crying, fearing I was about to die. after a week, I went to a doctor for an EMT checkup, he asked me a few questions, ran a few tests and realized, it was about my heart. he told me to go to a cardiologist (a doctor for the heart) and made me get chest x rays to show the doctor.

the next day I went to the cardiologist and he ran a few tests and he got worries when he heard a murmur in my heart. he told me to get a 2D echo. for those who don't know what that is, it's basically an ultrasound for the heart. he also perscribed me a pill called "omperazole" he didn't tell me what it did but he told my dad.

the next day I went to another doctor for the 2D echo and that night I bought the pills (omperazole) the cardiologist told me to take. my dosage was 40 mg. I was terrified that night. my heart was pounding and it wouldn't stop. but finally, in the morning I could breathe again. I still woke up thinking I was gonna die though.

now after this, I would have sudden episodes of crying. no reason even I would sob by myself. I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought it would go away. it's august now and one day I was in the car with my mom when I suddenly felt like crying again. I couldn't hold it back so I sobbed with my mom in the car. she was so confused and worried. she asked me what was wrong and I just said "I don't know mom."

she insisted something was wrong and I just didn't want to tell her but I told her again and again "nothing's wrong I just want to cry" at one point she paused and said "do you want to go to a psychiatrist?" I never thought I would open up to my mom about this but you know what? I sobbed even more, that whole month all I wanted was to get help. and my mom was so open to it.

october. I got to go to my first psych visit. the lady was nice, apparently she was the best psych in our country. I don't want to say what happened during that ome hour I was with her but I did tell her about my suicidal thoughts, but not about my self harming tendancies.

you know I was really surprised. she told me to take medicine. when she said I just zoned out. I don't remember any of what she said I just thought "so now I have to rely on a pill?" I wanted to cry but at that point my mom was in the room. so I didn't. the psychiatrist also told me to go to cognitive behavioral therapy. that I expected.

oh I forgot, I officialy have depression and anxiety.

my pills:
omeprazole (physical) - keeps stomach acids in my stomach, 20 mg nightly
antidepressant - 25 mg every morning

personal side effects of the antidepressant - nausea, light headedness

so guys, please take mental health seriously. I know what it's like to wake up every day and think you're going to die; to sleep every night thinking you're going to die; and just feeling like everything's not worth it anymore. I'll be here if you need someone :)