How I Really Feel

i hate my dad

I hate him.
I hate him.
I hate him.
I really wish he would listen.
I really wish he wouldn't scream.
I really wish he'd stop getting drunk.
I really wish he was a better person.

The nerve he has.
Last night he and my mom came home late from a wedding. I was still awake cause I was studying in my temporary room upstairs. Right now me and my family are staying with my  grandmother. As I was saying, I heard the front door violently opened and loudly shut. Then I heard my dad screaming at my mom.

Things like "You slut get away from me," & "Don't you dare talk over me I'm the man here." I really do hate him.
Then I ran to the stairs but before I went down I heard my eldest sister trying to calm my dad down. So I stayed up the stairs debating on wether to wake up my grandmother or to go downstairs to stop their nth fight these past 2 weeks. Well my dad constantly tried to hit my mom but my sister would get in the way. I was about to go down but then my other older sister grabbed me and asked me to stay with her. She gets scared easily especially when our parents fight, so I stayed with her.

My dad kept on screaming at them and at the end my mom asked him: "If something were to happen to these kids, would you care?" He said "Yes I will." And then she asked "What about me?" He said "I couldn't have cared less about this marriage."

See what I mean by he failed me as a teacher and a lawyer? Lawyers are supposed to be patient. Teachers are supposed to be good role models. My dad didn't teach me both. I grew up faster than everyone else cause I needed to know how to stop my parents' fights. So the statement "You're mature for your age." is a funny thing to me. Cause hey, who wouldn't be mature when all they heard growing up was screaming and cursing, when all they saw was their dad hitting her mom, her sister, her own dad hitting her? I'm used to pretending everyday. Their are people who find it very horrifying when their parents fight and don't know how to act. So I find myself privileged because I know how to act, how to hide the anger and the pain.

My mom always taught me that fairytales don't exist. "Don't for one fucking second think about your prince charming. Or dream about your shitty happily ever after. Cause fairytales don't exist. You better study hard to get yourself a good future. Don't ever rely on anyone." And so I don't rely on anyone.

I pitty my mom. She had a great future ahead of her if she had stayed in America. Don't get me wrong she's got a high paying job right now, she's the division head of east west bank. But, if she had stayed in America, she would for sure have a better job and a better husband.

I hate having to be anywhere with my dad. I hate being in public with him, I hate being at home with him. I just hate spending time with him. He's an asshole what can I do? He doesn't listen to us. Why should I listen to him? He hits me. Why can't I hit him?

He doesn't see me. He doesn't. WHY CAN'T HE LOOK ME IN THE EYE OR NOTICE ME?? WHY CAN'T HE SEE THAT I'M SUFFERING HERE? WHY CAN'T HE FUCKING SEE THAT I'M NOT OKAY? DOES HE JUST NOT CARE?

Either way I couldn't have cared less. One day I'll repay him all the money he spent on me and then I'll leave him. I can't wait for the day I live an independent life. I can't wait for the day I stop having to see him. I'm grateful for everything, but I can't help but hate him too.

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If you need anything, I'm right here. 😊