How I Really Feel

jay

remember that cousin who found out about my self harm scars? well he's jay. he's the nicest and greatest guy I've ever met. 

this is how he found out.

one night sometime last year november I felt like cutting. I don't remember why I decided to. turns out we were gonna go see our relatives that night, again I don't remember for what reason. I was not in the mood to dress up so I threw on a white short sleeved shirt and denim shorts.

sometime into the night I was in my grandmother's room along with my 7 year old cousin who wanted to show me the game he was playing on his phone. we were alone in that room for a few minutes but then jay and peter (another one of my cousins) came in so peter could teach jay how to play the guitar.

a few more minutes passed when jeff and ryan came in (also my cousins). with 6 people in a bedroom meant for two, we had to adjust. on the bed I sat in the middle with my 7-year-old cousin to my left and jay to my right. I self harm on my right upper arm. I didn't really think about my fresh cuts at that time since the shirt I was wearing had sleeves.

peter started getting annoyed since jeff and ryan were so loud. so he started complaining and it was really funny to watch. I didn't notice my sleeves rolled up because of all the moving I did while laughing.

everyone started leaving the room for more food. as I was about to get up, jay held my right arm and then whispered

"what happened to your arm?"

I froze for a split second.

I released my arm from his hold and whispered back "it's nothing."

"what was that?"

"I said it was nothing."

he said, louder now "what happened to your arm?"

I looked him straight in the eye and whispered "not now please."

I really didn't want to have that conversation there with so many other ears being able to hear us. jay understood and nodded.

we left soon after that.

when we got home I texted jay and said "whatever you saw on my arm, please don't tell anyone. okay?" he replied with "I know. I know when something is personal and I know whether the person would want it out or not. Don't worry." I only said "thank you" back.

I trust jay. I'm closest to him, and that's saying a lot considering I have 16 cousins only in my father's side. 

the next time I saw jay I wore a sweatshirt. only because the scars haven't totally faded from when I last saw him. we acted normal. this continued on with every time I saw him.

until christmas eve.

i wore an off the shoulder long sleeved cropped top. so yes, you could see my upper arms. but I didn't care, cause the scars had already faded at that time. all my father side relatives were there again. sometime that night jay put his hand on my right upper arm. I just smiled at him.

"why?" he asked.
"because no one can see them."

he looked confused at my statement. so I told him "I'll explain next time."

fast forward to new year's eve. this time I wore a sleeveless bodysuit. not all my relatives could make it this time. after eating dinner, jay, jeff, abby, tiffany (my cousin), zoe (my cousin), and I decided to stay at the table. we just did our own things. then jay asked me "aren't you worried?" I asked him "why?" 

"I could see them (my scars) all the way from over there!" he said pointing to the door.

"but you can only see them because you know they're there. haven't you noticed? you're the only one who can see them," I said.

all the sudden jeff asked us "see what?"

jay replied "nothing."

jay and I continued to talk though.

"I really wanna explain, you'll understand better that way." i told jay.

"okay, just tell me whenever you feel like it, okay?"

and that was the most recent time I saw jay.

I really wanna explain because I just need to vent out. I know he'll understand.

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so as you can see, maybe jay finding out about it actually is for the better. and see what I mean by he's a really great guy? he didn't tell anyone and he really is trying to understand. sure maybe the way he reacted made me really nervous but that's okay. he didn't know he shouldn't have asked me while everyone else was there. 

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if you need someone to talk to, I'm right here. :)