70's Porno Music

Beverly

May 5, 1973

The first thing I have to do is tell the truth.

So I told myself first. Roper thought I cheated on him. Roper thought I was a liar. Roper thought I was a complete mess.

All those things are true.

I did sleep with other men. I did sleep with other women. That's my job. I told him I was a model. That's not my job. I have no idea what I'm doing in this life.

I've called Roper so many times. He never picks up. I've stopped myself from going to his apartment by getting high instead. I lock myself in the bathroom even though no one is here.

I've been booking more jobs. I've also been late to every single one. Don has found me passed out or really high before my call time. I've even given him a spare key because both him and I know this isn't going to change.

"Beverly, you have to stop this. Okay hun? You've got to stop this. I can't book you when you're like this. I especially can't be feeding into your addiction."

I told him I wasn't an addict. I told him it made me happy. I told him I needed the money. I almost didn't make rent this month. My fridge is empty aside from things that are expired.

So Don stocked up my fridge. Don cleaned up my apartment. Don told me he has his own honey to take care of. Don also told me I missed this Playboy Party. I cried and screamed. I missed my big shot. I missed my shot to give make one truth to Roper.

I miss Roper.

I need to get things together. I really need to get ahold on this life. I'm going to fall apart if I don't.... Why am I getting worse? I thought Roper would be the one to save me..

I'm tired of crying. I tired. Everything is so mixed up. One minute I want to heal.. heal for Roper.. for myself. The next I know I'm going to crash and burn.. A needle is in my arm and the shower is running.

I'm just so tired. I'm sorry this entry I all over the place. I can't seem to find connecting phrases.