70's Porno Music

Beverly

June 3, 1973

When Roper never answered, I called anyway.

When the calls stopped going through, I stopped calling.

But now I'm going crazy. I've started speaking to absolutely no one but pretended his presence was there.

I told him a lot.

Why I cried on March 17th. Why I've been crying ever since he left. Why I am a porn star... Why I wished that I didn't feel for him the way I do. All those words were swallowed by the humid air in my apartment.

Don cut me off. So I guess I have to tell Roper why I was a porn star.

I didn't listen to him and now I'm all asked out.
I'm running out of money. Rent is due soon. My new cat needs food. His name is Bubber.

I need new lipstick, Black Eagle and carrot cake.

But so I don't scare away my neighbors, I've decided to go to Roper's apartment today. I just want to lay it all on the line. I want to stop hiding and I want him to stop ignoring me.

I get that he doesn't want to be bothered, that fact is obvious, but I want all this to be done. I want to stop crying. I want my heart to stop feeling like it's being ripped out of my chest. I want to tell him that he's the only one who can sew up the wound.

I don't want to beg for forgiveness but I want to apologize to everyone. My mother. My brother. Don. Roper.

I just want to tell them how sorry I am that I never seemed like I cared enough and sometimes genuinely never did.

I want to tell them that I'm sorry that my stupid mind gets so messed up and that I never can separate what is wrong and what is right, ruining everything in my path.

I'd give everything to get that opportunity. Well I guess I can get half of it done.

Anyway.. I need to search for a job. Sometime quick and easy. Maybe I stop by a few stores on my way to his apartment.