Misconceptions

Chapter 18

A couple months later....

It's been awhile since the situation with Paul has happened and I'm not going to lie it's been rough on my end. I failed to listen to everybody who said I need to just step away from him for a little bit and because I didn't the arguments between us were becoming deadly.

Came to a point where every time I said something pertaining to the situation he would get upset and make it seem like I'm the bad one for making him feel like more shit. It came to a point where I had to snap and tell him I'm entitled to feel how I feel I can't continue to sugarcoat things with him to abide by his sensitivity, it does not work like that. I unintentionally threw shade about the situation from time to time and eventually I decided to stop and told him that I will stop cause it's not going to help the situation he already feels like shit.

Paul has been beating himself up ever since because he knew he fucked up big time. The part that really had me confused was the one time he texted me and said he now realizes he fucked over someone who always made sure he didn't fall. Honestly when he said that I did feel all types of ways because why are you just noticing that? I made it clear ever since that day this all came out that he really tried it after all I do for him. But it's whatever he noticed it so that's all that matters.

I chose not to drop him because weeks after the situation happened, I've been thinking of pros and cons to if I drop him or keep him. No matter how much I cried, how much I was hurt, there was no way I was able to drop him. I even thought about it in terms of I'm just being stubborn and naive and I don't want to drop him because I still have feelings for him. Every time I thought that way, our relationship played back in my head, and this is not the first time Paul lied to me in fear of losing me, his intentions the first time were way better than this situation but his intentions, his actions, everything throughout the course of our relationship adds up. The only thing that doesn't add up is the marry-go-round game about our feelings and our relationship, I will never understand his intentions with that and at some point I wanted the answers to clear my confusion.

Like why make me go through so much, why make us go through so much with our feelings all the way back to when Kevon was in the picture if you had no intentions on going any further. Why didn't he just voice to me that he can't make that transition, why lead me on and say that "it's not the best time" will it ever be the best time? Or you just saying that to not hurt my feelings. My thing is if he couldn't see himself in a relationship with me he should've said that upfront, I felt as if I'm the stupid one here cause my feelings were probably on level 9 while his was on level 4. Plus he added that us having sex didn't make it any better and I just sit back and look at the messages and wonder what do he really mean by saying all that. He claimed he didn't lead nobody on, he claimed that he knew where he was going with all this and that's what really had me confused, how? How do you tell two females similar things, try to keep them separated from each other to save yourself, and claim you knew where you were going?

I came to the conclusion that our feelings weren't fake but his feelings for his ex was still there tremendously and that's who he wanted to be with, only problem is they had a rough relationship that revolved around lying. I understand our feelings grew in the midst of all that but he should've told me, and I'm not trying to sound mean or anything but if he told me I definitely would've backed off and let him be happy with her for real cause at the end of the day the feelings he had for me can't be put on the same pedestal as the feelings he has for her, he's in love with her. I can't lie and say if he went that route our relationship would not make it and we probably would not fall off because we would have and knowing him he would not want that to happen but knowing me I would if it meant him being happy and me knowing where I truly stand and not have myself looking stupid.

This whole situation broke me to the point where I would occasionally get sad all over again just thinking about it. What makes it worst is I still have feelings for him their just not as strong as they used to be but knowing how we are it's going to get back up there real soon, we just never stop growing together in our relationship.

Came to a point where I genuinely felt like I can't have sex no more because it's crazy how he was having raw sex with her and me at the same time which he claimed he never fucked with us around the same time. He's the only person I felt comfortable enough to have sex with and he completely turned me off after that. A lot of things has changed and even though my feelings are still here, I don't acknowledge them anymore, even if he says I love you I can't say it back comfortably, it's just going to take a lot of rebuilding.

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It's been a total of 5 months since I last seen Paul and our relationship has been growing and prospering, it would make you forget we almost had a big fall out not too long ago.

I recently dropped all the questions I had for him and this talk we were suppose to have to clear everything up. We're in a good space right now and I don't want to go back, I told him when I'm able to look back and laugh about this situation I'll probably bring it up cause by then anything he say or anything I ask will not effect me or him and his sensitivity.

I also dropped the not wanting to have sex anymore, I've been highly frustrated and going back to the nigga I used to fuck is not an option. I don't want to find out if there's going to be another nigga that I will feel comfortable with in that sense. The reason why I feel so comfortable with Paul in that sense is because he built that foundation of making me feel comfortable with him in that way, ever since I told him the truth about my sexual life, even when I wasn't ready and he was, the games I used to play, all of that ties into why I'm ok with having sex with him now. No flashbacks, no discomfort, no pain apart from his large penis sometimes, it's just all fun.

He knows that I'm ok with having sex with him again, he knows I've been frustrated, it's been 5 months. I officially seen him in person for the first time on Christmas Day ever since the situation happened and I think that's what I needed in order to confirm our status on this situation.

We chilled, relaxed, smoked, had normal conversations, and not once was I concerned about bringing up that situation, I just refused to look back on it. As much as I wanted to know the answers, it honestly can wait till it's a laughable situation. We even had sex and nothing changed apart from me feeling like a damn virgin and how badly that shit had hurt but other than that it still felt normal. At that point I realized that it's time for me to let it go, if I hold on to it, it will only push me back, and I refuse to let that go on in the midst of our friendship.

Our bounce back game was strong in this situation and although I still have that protective shield on now to prevent myself from getting hurt again I'm not restricting anything with him he still has my all in this friendship. I just know not to let my feelings take over anymore, I'll just keep it on the inside until it's ready to be used or if it's not going to be used at all then it will slowly go away. Only time will tell. Although that's not a healthy decision, after going through all of that with him I now know how and when to keep that shit to myself and when not to so right now it's no purpose in addressing it. Like always we know where we stand 🤷🏽‍♀️.