Loving My Ex Lover

Chapter 10: Pained

With her eyes looking ay me, and my heart beats trying to scare me. I clench my hands to gather some strenght.

" If it's okay, can we talk?"

She look away, by the look upon her face. The idea of us talking, makes her feel u comfortable. I understand, if she says no. I won't insist and just wait until she's ready.

But her Mom gave her a back hug, signaled the maids to vacate the kitchen. Naiwan kami, tumayo ako sa gilid ng counter. Just in case na matalo ako ng takot, the last time we talked was more than two years ago where I left her with a broken heart and crying.

" I don't know how to begin, but I know what word fits at this time. I am too late to tell you, but Margo. I am sorry, sorry for what I have done. Sorry that I had taken you forgranted, I am sorry that I wasn't man enough for a woman like you back then. Sorry."

I saw her tears began to fall, she tried to wioe it off but they were just to much that they kept falling. Ramdam ko ang sakit, binalik ako ng luha niya sa gabing pinaluha ko siya. Back then, wala akong naramdaman kundi ang umalis, lumabas at iwan siya. And that's whag exactly I did. I left her with the pain, and now I am feeling it.

Lumapit ako sa kanya, hindi siya gumagalaw and patuloy lang ang pagdaloy ng luha niya. I hug her, and that's where I began to break down.

" I am sorry, Margo. I am so sorry."

We were in that position for a longer time, she gently push me away. She wipe her tears off her cheeks, and tried to compose her self. Ganoon din ako.

" I can now breath without feeling heavy inside, salamat that even if it took you this long. I've heard you apologized, and I can say. I've had forgiven long time ago, I've forgiven you already. We can only move forward after the storm hit us, we can't kept looking at our past. And if I don't forgive you, alam kong susundan ako ng nakaraan natin at matatagalan akong makausad. Kaya I did my best, na kahit hindi kita narinig magsorry. Ginawa kong patawarin ka, after all. I know I have my shortcomings as well, so hindi siya fault ng iisang tao lang Lindon. It was both our faults, we were too immature. But, thank you. For making your way to me now, thank you for doing our family this favor, thank you that you've finally shown the man that you really are. Masaya na ako, at least. Alam ko at tama ako, I've fallen with a man whom I knew is a better man. Medyo, isip bata pa lang that time. Pero, at least gwapo."

Napayuko ako, she tried to make the situation to be light. Natawa ako, na naiiyak. So this is how it feels when a man decided to face his mistakes that has been long over due? Facing the woman I've caused too much pain, and knowing na kahit katiting hindi man lang siya nakaramdam ng galit at pagkamuhi sa akin?

Ang sakit, that it seems like a lighting struck me. Now, I am feeling the loss. She's a big loss for my entire being, and why is it thst only this time that my heart told me na mahal ko pala siya? Kung kailan gusto ko lang na maisara ang kahapon namin for both of our sakes, turned out to be the beginning of me feeling the pain.

Humagulhol ako, I am feeling so helpless. Knowing that she is no longer mine, and that I can never go back in time and rewrite our past. I clench my hands, nakatukod sa hita ko trying to get enough strenght for at least and trying to stop my self from lookong so pathetic in front of Margo.

Naramdaman ko na lang, niyayakap niya na ako. Rubbing my back, trying to pacify me. But how? When I am feeling as if my heart was hit by huge hammer smashing it to bits and pieces?

" Okay, just let it out. Take your time, I'll wait til you are feeling better. Go on, just let it out."

And I did let it out, I can feel her releasing heavy and deeo breaths. As I feel her body moves, I don't want to end this moment just yet. This moment where I get to feel my heart beating for real, for the woman whom I should have taken good care. Ganoon pa man, sa kabila ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Masaya na ako, na natuldukan ko ang sakit na naipadama ko sa kanya noon.

And if it means me feeling the pain now, I will take it. I deserve to have this pain anyway. At least, this time. Alam ko na ang pakiramdam ng pagsisisi, I was like this before I met Margo. When my first love hurt me, I was crying at my Mom's arms exactly like this. Now I am crying at her shoulders, how amazing this woman is. After I made her cry, left her alone. Heto siya, helping me out with my emotions.

Nang tumahan ako, ako na ang kusanh kumalas mula sa yakap niya. Ngumiti ako sa kanya sabay pahid ng luha ko, it is never embarrassing to let her see my other side. I owe her so much, and I think. It's just right for her to see me this way, but she place her hands on both of my face.

" Thank you Lindon, for being brave anough to show me the real you. It took you so long pero I think it's worth it. But, please. Don't beat your self for long, okay?"

Tumango ako, then she hug me again and rub my back gently.

" Hmm..I think, ako na ang maghahanfs ng pancakes for you."

Ngumiti ako.

" You will?"

" Well, Mom remembers how much you like pancakes. But I do remember how much you like it better when I am the one who makes them. For one last time, let me make you your favorite pancakes."

Tumulo na naman ang luha ko ng marinig ko ang one last time na sinabi niya, pero maagap na ako. Napunasan ko na bago niya pa man mapansin, and I watch her make the pancakes with a smile. Niyakap ako ng parents niya, and I thanked them for showing me their love despite of what happened in between me and Margo.

We shared our last pancakes, then she left ahead of me. Hinintay ko pa kasi ang Lola na magising so I could take her for a dance bago umuwi, and when I arroved home. I was welcomed with wide and open arms by my parents. I still am lucky, I might have lost one chance of being one lucky guy who found my true love...I still have the chance to give my parents the love that I owe them for so many years.