FOUND II [COMPLETED]

XXXIII

Beyoncé

3 days later

Come on Beyoncé you can do this. I thought to myself as I finished applying my red lipstick. I finished smoothing down my hair into the slick bun I had it in before staring back at my reflection. If it weren't for the makeup, and the large black hat I had covering half my face, it would be clear just how well I was coping with my child's death.

It's only been three days since Sienna died, but I decided to go ahead and have the funeral. I wanted her to be put to rest as soon as possible, the idea of having her body out in the open, just waiting to be buried, didn't sit well with me. I also wanted to go ahead and get the funeral over with while I was hurting as much as I was, instead of taking a little longer to grieve before planning.

Although I only had three days to get everything together, my mother and sisters helped me tremendously to make sure my baby had the best ceremony possible. In some ways I was rushing this, because I felt like maybe I would start getting better after Sienna was finally at peace, but also because my other selfish reasons. I hated funerals, and I hated them now even more knowing I shouldn't be planning one this soon.

I looked back at my reflection and saw through everything I had used to cover up how I felt on the inside. This makeup was a facade, and it was obvious. I was hurting badly, I was miserable, but I was still trying to be a good mother and daughter and sister. As much as I wanted to hide in bed and cry as I mourned the loss of my child, I knew I couldn't. Even though I haven't had an appetite for days I've still managed to eat here and there, knowing I needed to take care of my body, and the small baby growing inside me.

I honestly didn't know I would handle the birth of another child. I'm already terrified for my babies now, and the thought of bringing another Carter into this world made me nauseous with fear.

I don't know when I started crying, but when I glanced at my reflection for the third time, I looked like I never stopped. My eyes were swollen and red. For once I looked as miserable as I felt.

"Mommy?" I heard, followed by three soft knocks. "Mommy? Are you crying?"

I softened my sobs as I grabbed some tissue from the dispenser and carefully wiped my eyes, not wanting to ruin my makeup anymore. If I did, I would have to redo it for the third time, and I just didn't have the energy.

"Mommy can you open the door?"

I couldn't help but smile at Brooklyn's persistence. I was happy my baby girl was feeling okay, despite the burn marks she had scattered around her body. My mama and I both had an ointment we had to apply to each one everyday to soothe her pain. Thankfully she can walk without hurting too much. Jeremiah has to use crutches and had a similar situation with the ointment, but aside from that he would be okay. He hasn't spoken to me, or anyone at all, much since they came home from the hospital. I haven't wanted to push him to talk either, so I let him be for now. We're all grieving differently.