Old poems (editing in progress)

May 27, 2017

I quit talking to people because my depression added onto other peoples stresses and worries. I just felt like I was making their pain worse. During the summer of last year,  I started hiding my feelings more often until I could really trust someone. As I started to see what impact I had on others with my story, I decided to just quit telling anyone. Sometimes I would lie,  or not tell anyone what I was thinking at all. I quit trying to hide my cuts and I quit caring about the insults and suicidal jokes that were pushed at me. I almost never smile anymore. The worst thing is that I havent said I love you to my parents for months. I have felt unemotional because of some of my past experiences along with the thoughts I have to ignore everyday. As I got more depressed, I started smoking and drinking... and I started caring more about people. I became vegan, and since my mom makes meat meals, I am forced to not eat sometimes. I have even gone days without eating. I tried eating meat again,  but the thought of it makes me gag and I have puked when I tried. ~
I started to leave my friends one by one thinking they wouldn't notice I was gone. Some kept talking to me, but barely. I gave people my number just in case they needed a way to contact me if I deleted my social media. I wanted to say sorry if you feel like I left you. I have broken a lot of people's promises, and I am getting better, slowly. probably the one person that has really helped me to heal is Kate. Even though we don't talk as much because work or life, she still makes me feel like I don't have to try to have a friend.~
I always felt rly sad when people were depressed because all I could say was "I hope" or "I wish". I couldn't do anything to help. I would do anything to help,  but I just can't. There is so much distance between my friends. Even my best friends moved away or killed themselves or something. Something inside me just made it so that I'm scared to even talk to people.
~
Srry for saying this stuff. I just wanted to put it out there. I'm fine and stuff. Just need a break or something. And caffine.