One Last Time [Vauseman Fanfic]

14: The Weight of Us

If forgot who I am,
Would you please remind me?
Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

--

6 months and 29 days, our impending doom is inching ever closer.
You say that I'm not being open enough with you at the moment, if only you knew how open I am with you now. When you're asleep in your bunk and I wake in the middle of the night and go and sneak over to look at you, watch the slow rise and fall of your chest and with each passing moment I feel more sure that I will be able to let you go when your time comes, that I will be strong and tell you it will all be okay; but then morning comes and your blue eyes shatter my resolve. Because it's not going to be okay, is it? I'm not going to be able to be strong and in the end I'll be the one who needs you to be strong for me. Ask me five years ago if I had thought I would see Piper Chapman in prison I would have said fuck no, ask me five years ago if I could see any kind of future with Piper Chapman I would have laughed till I cried, because I couldn't see it but boy did I fucking want it. I just hope this time I really am going to get it.

"All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me." I'll probably be living by that when you're gone. Shakespeare always knew what was up and as terribly shopworn and cliché-ridden as his work is I have to admit that he explains this shit better than anyone else, me unsurprisingly included. I think it's safe to say that I am well and truly fucked, completely vulnerable here. Something that I am slowly learning to become accustomed to - only for you. I spend a long time at night, convincing myself that just because I'm vulnerable when it comes to you it doesn't mean that I'm weak and yet I know that's not true. You've never been good for me Piper, the same way I've never been good for you. We're incredibly destructive and stubborn and we value our pride so much that sometimes we would rather the things around us fell apart than have any part of that scathed. Little did we know, back then, that we were hurting ourselves more than we were hurting each other and the people around us. We fucked ourselves up even more than we did to each other, and yet - here we are both wanting more. I'm not sure if that makes us crazy, self-destructive or bordering on suicidal. Maybe it's all three. I think you'll moan at me when you read all of these, tell me that I'm being stupid and whilst we're both stupid our love tops all of it. Maybe you'll even go as far to say it conquers it and then I'll laugh at you and make some stupid joke about how I conquered you. The truth is, I think it was more you who conquered me. Say it loud and proud, Chapman. You conquered the great Vause.

Hah, love you shitface. Alex.

Prison was cruel, Alex decided one night as she sat against the wall of her cube. Here she was, meant to be spending the night with her beautiful girlfriend and she was being cornered by Nicky. As much as she cared about her friend, getting in Alex's way when she should be seducing Piper behind an alter in a dark chapel was very dangerous and Alex could feel her annoyance rising in her.

"I just don't get it, Vause. One minute she's talking about how much she loves me and that it was a mistake that she chose Christopher and then the next minute she's freaking out and talking about how one day I'll realise I don't love her and that she don't deserve no one and that maybe she should have just stayed on her own after Christopher left - like, what the fuck!" Nicky yammered on, not really taking notice of whether or not Alex was actually listening to her. "I mean I can understand that she's not really over the grieving process yet and jumping into something new and serious straight away is probably fucking with her head a little but.. shit. I just need to chill out." Nicky seemed to talk herself into an understanding and it was only then that she noticed Alex's faraway and distant expression. "Hey Vause. You even fuckin' listening to me?"

Alex looked at Nicky slowly and forced a small smile, "Sure."

Nicky laughed, not in the least bit put out by her friends reaction. "Good to know that such a good looking wall is here to listen to me rant."